NewsWeeks

Feminism:

2010-10-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

The belief that all people are equal as long as we look at the world through a gendered lens.

Wankers

2010-10-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little... devil may care today. I may even buy something.
I may buy something so big it'll make your dick hurt. Maybe something old. Because that's how old things are made -- big. And dick-hurting.
Speaking of hurting dicks (how's that for a transition, journalism professors?), I don't understand chicks who stay with guys who can't get it up. I wouldn't date a girl who couldn't get it open. And yet... the limp dicks of this world do surprisingly well with the women.
Now me and my dong--we're Army strong(TM). Both of us are up at dawn and still going strong by lights out. Ok that's a lie. Only one of us is up at dawn, but it's the important one.
Guys who smoke the soft pack (and I'm not trying to be hard on them here), they've still got to prove their manhood some way. Usually it's big cars or scary movies or some other attempt to show how powerful they are.
But here's the deal -- just because you buy a power tool on your way out, doesn't mean that we didn't notice you shopping at the softer side of Sears.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not personally pissed off at the lack of turgidity in the world here (more for me, right?) But, fellas, it ain't for for you to tie up a lady at the zenith of her sexiness while you limp along behind.
And, on a personal level, I'm really tired of hearing about the soft serve offerings from my female friends. Just because you can't fuck her, don't knock the rest of us for strong in the schlong.
Just sayin'

Peace Freaks

Up next: What's all the Rage

2010-08-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

I hate frat language, but there's no other way to say it: I'm stoked about the upcoming Ben Folds/Nick Hornby collaboration called Lonely Avenue.
I would pre-order it, but I think it would arrive too late. Instead, I'm taking 20 bucks down to my local vinyl store as early as I can on Sept. 28.
For those of you who don't know about the team-up, it's essentially a Ben Folds solo album with words written by British novelist and columnist Nick Hornby.
I've loved both of these guys for a long, long time. They're both sensitive or semi-sensitive (read: wussy) guys who speak to directly to the problems faced by sensitive and semi-sensitive guys.
And what's interesting is that both their careers seemed to be pointing to something like this.
Hornby's latest book (a phoenix of awesomeness called Juliet Naked) was about a guy obsessed with a particular artist, a formula that allowed the author to write lyrics and descriptions of make-believe songs.
Whereas Folds has become increasingly open to new kinds of collaboration, having just released an album of a capella versions of his songs that were mostly arranged by other people.
Check out the promotional vid below.

Home

2010-08-23T07:32:00.001-07:00

I am completely in love with my new place.
After living for about three years as what felt a boarder like other people's homes, I've realized the 21st Century American Dream: Renting a place of my own.
Granted, I have a roommate, but we moved in at the same time. Our apartment is, in any and all respects, equally and jointly our own.
And I love it.
My room is large and carpeted. The bed rests in the middle of the floor, pushed up against two blinded windows and facing the dresser that I like to put my loose dollar bills on top of to feel gangster. I have two closets whose doors are permanently open, a thrift store bookcase and a small yellowing desk that used to belong to a friend.
Just outside is the cabinet for our hot water heater, whose pilot light constantly hisses like a white noise machine.
Down the hall, our living room or den--I can't tell which it is though I'm certain that there are real and important distinctions between the two--contains a large patterned green couch, a salmon recliner and an old vacuum-tube TV on a schlocky black entertainment center. We don't have cable, but thanks to an old PlayStation II, we're able to get through almost an hour of most DVDs until the machine gives up and we get an error message. Against the other wall is a 50s-style retro record player that sits on its own speakers and whose wire runs over the door to the back of the receiver.
The room also features a door to our second-floor porch whose treated concrete floor floods every time it rains and has, for our entire stay so far, attracted a dying cicada each week. The porch itself is bounded by black wrought iron railing and looks onto a small courtyard, which because our building is white and bracket-shaped, feels less like a place to sit and read a book and more like a slightly maintenanced effort to brighten our walks to and away from home, an architectural hug. Looking out from my room, the only visible parts of the courtyard are two thinning tree tops and sky.
Everything in our kitchen is white. From our cabinets and refrigerator to every one of the mobile appliances that line our counters. We have a small table next to the fridge, but it's used only to hold mail and a chess board; our eating is done elsewhere. The flooring is a black-and-white checkerboard linoleum.
This, aside from a humble bathroom whose only distinctions are a black shower curtain and full-sized window, is the entirety of the floor plan.
Across from our 14-unit complex is a half-acre lot of green space for resident use. It's the sort of place you envision having a cookout with friends and lawn chairs, although no one actually ever does. The parking lot is lit by neo-Victorian lampposts, the kind whose metal base has turned green from years of Southern weather and whose top comes to a point. They emit a faint yellow light that begins around dusk each night and lasts until some time after my commute to work. When it rains, the lower end of the lot fills with water and spirals down a hastily added drainage system. On these days and only on these days the residents take the parking spaces directly in front of the courtyard's gazebo-archway entrance.
It's mostly graduate students, single professors and old ladies who live in the complex. But it's also home to a fat mackerel-striped tabby who lounges in the courtyard and ignores the gray-haired gypsy-ish woman who calls to it to come in for dinner and also a small poofy dog named Hannah that belongs to three girls.
In a time when apartments seem to symbolize some of the worst aspects of college-town life, this place's small size and de reigueur modesty make it feel individual. And when you're living without internet access, television and spare cash, it's the the understated and agreeable things in life that provide true enjoyment. I couldn't be happier.

The right packaging

2010-08-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

Here are my Top 10 favorite terms for "them":

10. The pills
9. Junk
8. Family jewels
7. Cajones
6. Balls
5. Huevos
4. Scrote
3. Nutsack
2. Testicles
1. Nads

wedding gifts

2010-08-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

Wedding gifts, to me, are abhorrent.
If anyone can see a way that there's an honor in wedding gifts, and not see it as a prostitution of the union, the undermining of love and the replacement of real and earned emotion with unneeded materialism, please let me know.
Until then, I hope all you first-world kids who think you need nicer stuff from your friends and normally forgotten relatives because you're entering into an institution that's more than likely to fail, one day see the light.

I've tried to anticipate the argument against me.
1.) It's tradition.
-Tradition doesn't make something right or wrong. Slavery was tradition for many years. So was stoning to death wives who weren't virgins.
2.) It's important to have nice to start a family
-That's not true. In fact, it's probably better to have cheap stuff if kids are going to be around.
3.) There's no other way to get nice things like fine china table settings.
-Yes there is: Save your own money.
4.) It's a way for guests to express congratulations.
-Why is their presence and warm wishes not enough? Wouldn't a heartfelt card mean more to you?
5.) Guests get to eat, drink and dance for free. The gift is their way of paying.
-Then they should pay the people who pay for the wedding (more than likely the parents). But, if it is the bride and groom, it's pretty tacky to have a party and ask the guests to pay. But I suppose if that's your M.O. this is a reasonable defense.

Dragged away

2010-08-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

When and if I move out of town, I want to go out in style.
Instead of a big goodbye party and teary goodbyes, I want to do something bigger and better.
First, I'll pack all my shit without telling anyone. I'll line up a new job and home and be ready to move in.
Then, on the big day, I'll invite some friends out to dinner like usual. I'll delete my facebook page just before the meal, get a new phone number and kill my e-mail account. Then, about halfway through the noshing, I want three men dressed in black suits to walk into the restaurant, make a bee line to my table and glare at me.
"Newsweeks? Or should I say Rick Braggerton?" One will ask me.
Then, I'll look up at him and say, "I knew this day would come."
He'll turn to the other two guys and nod and say to me "You'll be coming with us." Then they'll walk me out of the restaurant, drop me off at my car and I'll drive away, never to be seen or heard from again.
It'd be kind of cruel to my friends, but imagine that legacy. They'll have to wonder what happened, why it happened and why that guy called me some weird name.
It might be the only time when I'll seem like a bad ass.

Fat guy chefs

2010-08-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

I don't really think anybody in this world should be fat. It's ugly and unhealthy. Yet, there is one job that I'd actually prefer to have a fat person to do: Cook me food.
I've noticed, as of late, a pretty big difference between people who like to cook and people who like to eat. People who like to cook see the craft as an art or a challenge. But people who like to eat see it as a means to an end: storing energy, forgetting about their inability to find love, trying to maximize their hard-earned food dollar with the Super China Buffet, etc.
But fat guy chefs blur these lines. They either like to cook because they first liked to eat and wanted to feed themselves all the time OR they liked to cook and cooked food that was so good that they ate it all and fattened up.
I always hope I get the second type.

Funeral!

2010-07-22T07:36:00.001-07:00

Every time someone brings up the old let's-jerk-ourselves-off question of "What songs do you want played at your funeral?" it invariably makes me sad.
Not sad because I don't like thinking that I will die or that my friends will die, but sad because this conversation makes me realize how so many people seem to listen to songs, cultivate relationships with them, and then apply them poorly to the milestones of their lives.
So many people feel that songs about dying are good to play at your funeral. To me, however, that's when they are least effective.
Any song that reminds you of your own and your friends' impending mortality isn't as effective if you're already thinking about it. And that's exactly the case at funerals.
The same thing happens at weddings.
If your wedding song is "Going to the Chapel" you've missed the point. No matter who you are, when that song comes on, you'll think about your wedding. So if it's your wedding song, you're being redundant.
If, however, your wedding song is "Star 69" then you'll think about your wedding whenever that song plays AND whenever you hear "Going to the Chapel."
And that's better because it's more personal. It's unique. It screams "The love I have is unique and special and therefore it is REAL."

A pair of docks?

2010-07-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with this question for a long time: When is it preferable to be irrational?
It seems like the sort of statement you can't answer logically because if there's a rational reason to be irrational, then isn't that irrationality rational?
And if not, you can't arrive at an answer because it best serve you to be irrational at irrational times, which would be unpredictable.

I'm at two with nature

2010-07-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm at odds with popular movie taste... something that happens more than I would like.
I've seen two "blockbuster" or "hit" movies this season, Toy Story 3 and Inception, and reacted to both them differently from the mass bloc of American moviegoers.
I found Toy Story 3 dull and overwrought and Inception straightforward and slow.
Why did I react differently? I can't tell. I think, in the case of Toy Story 3, that it may be because I didn't see Toy Story 2 and was therefore less invested in the characters.
Or maybe it's because that movie was clearly imbued with a sense that "everything will be OK" from the first shot onward and undercut any real sense of danger the characters faced.
Or perhaps it's because I couldn't figure out why toys want to be played with. It's something that's never explained (at least in part 3), so I couldn't grasp what regular human emotional response would equal the feelings toys have from not being played with.
As a guy whose hopes and dreams are pretty far off from what I consider the standard or "American regular" type of crown achievement, I found it odd that no toy mirrored my own plight of feeling different than the others. The toys, I thought, should find a purpose that's wholly intrinsic and not reliant on being hoisted in the air by some asshole who makes PEW PEW PEW gun-shooting sounds. WOULDN'T THAT BE A BETTER MOVIE???

As far as Inception goes, it was a fine sci-fi flick. And I've explained it to several co-workers, who I now think, must have been in the bathroom for the film's expository sequences or are dumb.
Seriously, one girl said to me, "My theory is that whoever is not in the dream level is in the one above it, but still asleep." Here's a tip: You can't count it as a theory if it's a plot point, e.g. my theory of the Empire Strikes Back is that Darth Vader reveals to Luke the dark secret of his parentage.
I'd also like to point out that I made a movie during my sophomore year of college called "Chimera" that dealt with people meeting up in each other's dreams and dying/killing. My roommate Shane was in it. So thematically, I'd covered this issue before (albeit in a very limited way). Inception isn't bad, it's just not that mind-blowing.

Women = Little boys?

2010-07-15T09:11:00.004-07:00

Have you ever noticed how some men, when trying to compliment a woman, will compare her body to that of a young boy?
Am I the only one's who sicked out by this?
Come on fellas. Surely there's a better line out there than "She has the ass of a 15-year-old boy."
You're sexualizing cub scouts! And that's disgusting.
Given the choice between dating a woman who could be compared to either Jennifer Lopez or Justin Bieber, I'll go with the Lo every time.
And it's not just the gender confusion that's the problem.
Is it somehow BETTER to say that she has the body of a pre-teen Swedish boy than that of a pre-teen Swedish GIRL? Or does that imply some sick pedophilia fetish?
I've heard this phenomenon used as an insult as well. I.e. "She was as flat-chested as a 12-year-old boy." But that only leads me to wonder: Why are you checking out the pecks of Pokeman fans?

UPDATED

2010-07-15T09:11:00.003-07:00

Sorry guys. I'm vowing to do new posts regularly! I've got ideas, I swear!

What makes the band?

2010-06-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

A local band I happen to like is breaking up. Kinda. The band still may play shows, but with most of membership replaced, which made me ask myself, "What constitutes a band?"
We can't mean the people in the band because we can all agree that replacing one member (typically a bassist) doesn't constitute forming a new band. See, for instance, Weezer.
OK, so how about the sound that's made? That would be a fine definition of a band, but if that's the case, wouldn't a note-perfect cover band be as accepted as the original?
Or how this: A band is whatever medium a songwriter to create her art? Now we're getting closer, but it makes me wonder whether we'd be essentially calling some guy's computer a band.
When the Red Hot Chili Peppers replaced John Frusciante with Dave Navarro they were undoubtedly a different band, but they were still the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Their music was different, but that difference was acceptable because their sound remained the same.
When Scott Weiland left STP, however, they remaining dudes had to start an entirely new band because their sound was markedly different (and quite shittay). Along the same lines, Sammy Hagar was the new voice of Van Halen, but thanks to his luxurious locks, the band's image (read: sound) didn't change.
So at its essence, a band is some combination of a sound and the people who produce that sound. But what percentage each part counts seems completely changeable and impossible to quantify.

Headphones

2010-06-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

Engineers, please invent high-quality headphones that work with glasses.
As it stands now, my headphones press my ears against my head, putting uncomfortable pressure on the part of my ear that also holds the glasses.
To deal with it, I take off my glasses, don the headphones, then gingerly place the glasses on the top part of my now-squished ears.
And, yes, I'm aware of ear buds, but they don't work for me. What I need are headphones that suction onto my head at a different point, like my jawbone or forehead. Can anybody get on this for me?

Fashion kills

2010-05-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Let me get something off my chest.
I'm tired of people equating women's desire to look attractive to shallowness and vapidity. It's simply not true.
Looking good has several common sense benefits that can outweigh the effort put into achieving fuckability. Can being the key word.
Exercising and eating right increase brain power, better moods, elongate life, augment energy levels, increase your chances of making more money and make you better at physical expressions of love. Who ISN'T for that?
Looking good is a goal we all SHOULD have. It makes so much sense. Calling these efforts narcissistic and shallow is a last-ditch effort of the ugly and lazy to rationalize their own lethargy.
What I can get behind, however, is demonizing cheating way toward sexifying ourselves: Fashion.
I'm all for the kinetic and aesthetic are of clothing, but let's not confuse buying expensive jeans with running a 5k. One is an indulgence designed to increase appeal through an immediate cash transfer, the other achieves a similar result through long-range discipline and effort.
I'm not trying to knock clothes buying here. I'm trying to improve the discourse over what we call "shallow."
Now, if you'll excuse me, Express for Men is having a 35 percent off sale.

The greatest ho on earth

2010-04-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Olivia Munn has finally found a cause to use her body for. And I'm happy for her, but I have to ask y'all, when was the last time you went to the circus?
I think I went once as a kid, but it's been at least a decade, if not two since I even saw an ad about the Ringaling Bros.
But more than that: I thought these PETA ads were supposed to feature naked people. Aside from some ample back of the thigh, Olivia's naughty parts are fairly well hidden.
Have we learned nothing from Iran? Boobs can cause earthquakes. Why not use them to save elephants?

Drawin' Mohommad

2010-04-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's fine to do, unless you're Muslim.

I keep hearing this argument from Christians: "We're not Muslim, so why do we have to obey their religion's rules?"
It's a valid argument, but it's equally true for gay marriage and abortion. If you don't care what the Koran says, you can't ask others to care what the Bible says.

Suicide

2010-04-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not against suicide as much as other people are. In some situations, I think it's appropriate, in others I don't. It's a personal decision and a very tough one.
But what irks me about this issue are the platitudes against suicide: That it's never the answer, that things will get better, that life is worth living, etc.
The taking of any human life is a complex and complicated subject that cannot be explained away so easily. When you tell a suicidal person something as simple as "suicide is never the answer" or "you'll get through this" you're telling them that they're so dumb that they've overlooked cliched reasoning.
I just read about a student at Indiana University who killed himself in his dorm room and nobody noticed for five days.
He was young and smart, and his death is being portrayed in media outlets as a tragedy. But I bet that if he had gone to someone and said, "I'd like to kill myself. I don't think anybody would miss me for at least 5 days." They'd have told him he was wrong.
I don't want to sound callous here. From what I've read about him, this kid seemed pretty great (but let's be honest: how often are people honest in obituaries and remembrance pieces?), but it doesn't mean he shouldn't have killed himself. I'm not sure that anyone besides him is qualified to make that call.
A nasty truth in life is that there are things worse than death.

Progressivism (not politically)

2010-04-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a behind-the-facts biography of a world leader who happens to hold elitism and progressivism as core values, which has made me re-think them.
Progressivism in this case refers to a belief that mankind is always bettering itself. Just as technology grows faster, smaller and more capable, humanity tends to become smarter and closer to its idealized form (whatever that may be).
[Side note: this doesn't necessarily fit in with liberalism, but it America it would be hard to hold this view and believe in conservative principles. That is, of course, if one of the principles wasn't a complete lack of cognitive dissonance.]
I used to believe in 'progress' as well. But now I'm not so sure. I believe our world is constantly changing, but I'm not sure that it always leaves us better off.
I think a more fitting idea is one of cycles, in which we better ourselves up to a point, then eschew that betterment and trade down for a few years before we begin to build ourselves back up.
Think about the Dark Ages, back when we stopped trying to get better and decided that as long as we prayed to God, progress was irrelevant. I'm betting the good ol' human race sees another age like that.
But not any time soon. I'm bored with the dystopians who always feel that we're inches away from societal annihilation. I am too educated to buy into the same scare tactics that hucksters have been peddling for years. But I don't think many other people are... hence the cyclical nature of events and elitism.

Smell ya later

2010-03-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Why don't we have colognes that make you smell like food?
If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, surely the way to his stomach is through his nostrils.
And it goes both ways. Give me an average looking lady who just happens to smell like bacon, and I'd happily spend all night sitting next to her. And what girl wouldn't want to cuddle up next to Mr. Smells Like Cookies?
In the future I invision Calvin Klein stick to selling booty shorts to 12 year olds and Aunt Jemimah launches a fragrance line.
And that's what I call a sticky situation.

Iron-y Chef

2010-03-23T05:41:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure that all these damn food shows popping up are just the other side of the fat/thin coin.
We're a food-obsessed culture. Eating is no longer a process for sustaining life, but a moral and artistic statement that flaunts your value system.
In the same way that the Catholic church has an unhealthy obsession about sex, American consumer culture has one about food.
I'm fucking sick of it.

More to come.

A little ventilation

2010-03-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

One thing I love about songs is that they have a way of making the cliche seem fresh.
Such is the case for this bit of cultural detritus I keep coming across: Growing old with grace.
Sure it's trite, but when Spencer Krug howls it in the middle of "Silver Moons" its triteness rolls away and exposes a cave of guiding philosophy.
It asks us to accept harsh truths without bitching. Fated love is a lie, monogamy a deception. God doesn't exist as such. Life is suffering, and redemption offers no succor. A man's life can can be judged in two ways - by his family or by his work.
This I believe.
There are moments for anger. Raging against machines or the dying the of light leaves us stronger and more alive, but pitted against truth it squanders our energies and dulls our faculties.
It's art's job to remind us of this in the face of ensconcing distraction. Thank god it does sometimes.

quick one-liners too dumb for standup

2010-02-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a few jokes I wrote that are too bad to say in front of an audience.
Enjoy the craptacle!

I would never hit my girlfriend. That's why I have a gun.

My girlfriend will never give me a backrub. She always says, "Matt, your back's too hairy." And that's true. But so's hers.

My son doesn't like girls. He's young, so something about their sexuality makes him uncomfortable. I know what you're thinking: That'll change. Just wait 'til he finds out about uncles.

Becoming a parent is one of the most amazing things that you can do in this world. NOT!

My dad never kept porn in the house, so I used to use National Geographics. To this day, I can't wear basketball shorts at the zoo.

I want to move somewhere where every night is taco night.

Recessionistas

2010-02-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

We all know about the recession. And, yes, the Great One blows.
But aside from my fellow young, aspiring, college-educated friends who trudge down the streets looking at fragments of hip, startup political magazines and web-based delivery services, I don't know how people are doing.
There are people, like Dirty Jesse, who have managed to subsist on Great Recession-like salaries and work schedules for years in this town. But, as Vh-1 would ask, where are they now?
Have they been pushed farther down the ladder of po' people? Has their special status been usurped by the nouveau beggars? This old, unmonied gentry is a part of the landscape in any artsy college town, but they've been conspicuously quiet since Vegan eggs went from standard fare to special occasion-only thrill.
This is the time we need you most, guy who never bathed.
Teach us your ways, dude who hasn't actually paid any rent since college.
How can we be like you, guy who never has a job or parental support yet is always at parties?
WE NEED YOU. COME BACK TO US.

The White Whale

2010-02-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

Call me Pissedmail.
I've lost $60 and hours of my life trying to get a textbook for class. Here's what happened:
I ordered a book from half.com for class.
After five weeks of waiting for it to be delivered, I tried to take action and contact the seller, but was unable to contact the seller due to the website's policies.
Once the allotted six weeks had passed, I wrote an e-mail. The seller responded with a tracking package code. I tracked the package to my university, where our campus mail assured me it was delivered to them.
I sent out an e-mail to my entire office, begging for everyone to rifle through their packages to see if they got my book by mistake. No one came forward.
But three separate people told me they recalled SEEING a package with my name next to our mail boxes.

So what happened?

There it is. Exhibit A.

Theories

1.) My editor believes I've "pissed" someone off, and my book has been taken in retaliation.
To my knowledge, however, I haven't pissed anyone off. My ex-girlfriend worked here when the book was delivered, and although our breakup wasn't always pretty, it was always civil. She's also a good person. I can't imagine her taking it.
So she's out. But that still leaves about 20 people.
But there are no obvious culprits. Getting my shit stole is pretty different from not getting invited to a barbecue. So this theory is leading nowhere.

2.) The mail guy took it back.
In my mind, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, so maybe the mail guy is my Newman. To thwart him, I'll do whatever it takes as long as it takes, as long as it takes him away from me.

3.) A time hole opened up, allowing my teenage son from the future and his bandmate, Bill S. Preston Esq., to travel back in time and steal my book for some kind of future highjinks we presently cannot understand.

4.) Sara Freeland
Yes. Sara "Square-a" Freeland. She could have stolen the book, and hidden it among the 50 backup pairs of shoes she keeps in her office.

5.) God hates me.
And he's been feeling a little uncreative lately. Couldn't he have turned my water to blood or something? At least that would've been interesting.

But in the end, I'm screwed out of 60 bucks and I don't even have a good story. I've checked out a previous edition from the library, but what I'd really like to do is illegally download it. I'm not sure if that's possible (because, really, who wants to torrent a comparative administration textbook?) but I can promise you this: I'm not paying twice for a book that I probably wouldn't read on my own anyway.

Deciphering e-mails: Protips

2010-02-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

The art of the personal e-mail is greatly undervalued--both the writing and the reading.
Every line contains so much information that if you're not doing a close reading, you're not operating at your maximum.
Here are a few tips to check for when you get a message you need to handle delicately:

1.) Look at the end of paragraphs.
If you're reading an e-mail that has been heavily edited, oftentimes the author will delete the automatic space most of us put in after the period.
You can find this out by highlighting the text and looking to see if any of the paragraphs end with a dangling space---like this._
Or if they are cut short--like this.
If you're getting a mix of both, there's a good chance that a final sentence or thought was deleted.

2.) Ponder grammatical mistakes, not typos.
Typographical errors are the result of physical mistakes, but grammatical mistakes are mental foul-ups. It's important to understand the difference. Spelling "small" like "smlal" is a typo, but spelling it like "smell" is not. If you're going to understand that mental state of the e-mail writer, don't think about typos--think like Freud.

3.) Ignore punctuation.
I've made a living for several years now as a writer and editor (bet you can't tell, eh???), and I can promise you this: The great mass of people make up their own rules about punctuation--especially in e-mail.
Don't lose sleep over ellipses, question marks or exclamation points. It's useless. There are no hard and fast rules you can swear by. Too often, these little dots serve only to obscure reason and intent. Don't be fooled.
Look at the words, they're a much better guide to the mental state of the writer. Pretend like everything is a period, then read the message again. It'll help.

4.) The signoff is important.
This is usually the biggest emotional clue in an e-mail. It's the aftertaste of the message. It's a clear indicator of how the writer hopes to be remembered.
See what the signoff message indicates and how the name is given--if it all. A lowercased name implies informality. A pet name implies closeness. Initials imply brevity. Nothing implies an uncertainty on the writer's part. Etc.

5.) Check the time stamp.
It sounds obvious, but a lot of people forget. The time stamp gives you an accurate measure of only one thing--when they hit the send button. But that's still important.

Happy readings, friends.

A new blog?

2010-02-16T09:14:00.000-08:00

Yeah.
Here's the deal: The old blog kinda sucked. And while it was fun, things always felt forced.
It was also insanely unstructured. You never knew what you were going to get when you read it. I'm hoping that by discarding the past and starting again I create a more cohesive feel that somehow becomes more honest.

V-Day

2010-02-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get some thoughts on this out before we're too bombarded with them to care anymore.
Valentine's Day suffers from the "made up holiday" things more than any other holiday, despite the fact that EVERY holiday is made up. I think I blogged about that earlier, so I'll shut up about it.
It seems to me, though, that V. Day is more of a challenge than a a requirement. And because relationships are challenging, that's a good thing.
It's easy to win points by being thoughtful when it's unexpected. Flowers on a Tuesday? You care!
But it's harder to score an emotional victory when there's a cultural expectation that neither party endorses but both are aware of.
CAN you make your partner feel special on such a day? It's harder than it sounds. The element of surprise is gone. You've burdened with expectation. It's the Super Bowl of relationships.
So, yeah... You can play it safe. Book a table at a nice place, eat an expensive meal, and talk about the first time you met your main squeeze. But that doesn't make anyone feel special. It's akin to doing your homework: you're just meant to do it. No high fives will be awarded for maintaining the status quo.
Or you can protest the holiday. But that reeks of fear. It's too easy. Too high school. It lacks imagination.
Better is to prove that you're aware of expectations and will rise above them. That's what commitment is about, in my opinion. Prove to yourself that you've got the kind of partnership that's worth having. Make it count: Do something incredible and personal this year. Make someone's day better than they thought it could be--not because you're expected to, but because you can.
If you're doing anything less, you're staring a divorce statistic in the face.
Of course, this is coming from a guy who spent last V Day eating stroganoff because it sounds like "strokin' off" and that seemed appropriate.

The Super Bowl

2010-02-02T06:05:00.000-08:00

My friends and I have our little Super Bowl tradition, something punny and silly and far too immature for us to continue doing, but it's a perennial habit that always makes me happy.
But it's not what I love most about the Super Bowl.
What I love most is how cognizant and judgmental everyone becomes of advertising. If Aristotle were alive today, he'd be a P.R. man--but I guarantee you that he'd have a shrewd understanding of 30-second adverts.
PoMo ads have to be designed to function for sophisticated consumers. Our society is no longer judging the merit of the advertising claims--we're judging their appeal to our sense of collective self.
We consider production value, accessibility, wit, cultural memory and, most of all, each ad's underlying assumption about its core audience (which in the case of the Superbowl is the America as a unified whole) when we passeth judgement.
Will I drink Pepsi or Coke? I usually drink whichever the restaurant carries--but on the rare occasions when I pop into a 7-11 for a Big Gulp, I'll go with whichever one I most accurately appeals to my sense of advertising.
We all know that Coke ads don't need to make taste claims. Where the real interest comes in is in how well they predict what we, the audience, believes we want to hear and see in an ad.
And we want to be in on the game. We want to see an ad, think about the ways it sells what it sells, decide it's done a good job of mirroring the values and tastes of its target consumers, and judge it.
They're not selling Coke. They're not even selling an image. They're selling an idea about an image.
If you want to see who's selling an image, look at the sports media. They make their living off debating the image of Peyton Manning vs. the image of Drew Brees. The athletes themselves are merely deflated representations.
That said, I can't wait to watch both the game and the commercials. What can I say? It's gonna be one smokin' super bowl.

Edit: A grammarian friend asked me, "Isn't an idea about an image the same as an image?"
So in case others wondered that too, let me clear it up. (This is what happens when you blog quickly and without and editor.)
I think that most people have an idea of The Mass--the largest consumer group in America--that entails how they think and operate. And this Mass is necessarily less smart and sophisticated than the thinker herself. So I was trying to say that we judge ads based on how well we think they speak to that Mass while simultaneously winking at us, the above-avg. Americans. So the idea of the image is the Mass interpretation of that image and what it means to American Society dominated by the Mass.
I think I just thoroughly screwed up that attempt, but I'll anyway... is that Clearasil clear?

the break room

2010-01-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

At my work, the break room is not just a source for office gossip and washing your hands--I can do that in the bathroom--it's where we keep the Free Shit Table.
The FST is where employees put food they're not going to eat About half the time it's filled with mistakes, like when somebody's husband accidentally buys decaf coffee or skim milk. But once in a while, just once in while, there's something awesome that tempts me to completely ruin my day.
Yesterday I noticed that someone left a mini box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and three packets of flavored sunflower seeds. Are these things nasty? Yes. Yes they are. But instead of thinking, "I wonder who eats THIS?" This is what popped up in my head: "Free lunch! Suck it, economists."
In no way did I wonder if dry breakfast cereal and ranch flavored bird seed really the best thing to eat. That is, I didn't wonder until I ate them.
Then my brain went into high gear. How much is good health worth? How much damage does one shitty meal do? And how much iron do I have to pump to turn shit like bags of combos and malamars into lean muscle?

Let's see if I get this right

2009-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

I saw Avatar last weekend, at the pinnacle of the hype.
It's early Monday morning and I expect that within three days a backlash will not only occur but reign supreme. People will no longer glide over the plot when they talk about movie, in fact they'll maintain that its thinness and its clunky message ruin the experience.
I also have a strong feeling that my friends who see the movie next weekend will have a different feeling about it than my friends who saw it last weekend.
Any large cultural event like this--one which is sold to us as capital-A Awesome medium-changing experience--creates backlash from users who resent the notion that corporations can accurately predict consumer seachanges, feel the need to assert the independence from a perceived mainstream opinion, and feel the need to watch the movie in the context of its more ridiculous PR claims.
This is human nature. No event can exist on its own. Context is totality.
To enjoy Snakes on A Plane on opening weekend is different than to watch it in theaters three weeks later or to rent the DVD and watch it at home four months later. It's impossible to separate the movie-watching context from the art itself.
In this vain, I also anticipate an Avatar backlash backlash, but it will be smaller and less sophisticated because the majority of the movie-debating audience will grow tired of talking about Avatar and focus their attentions toward something else.
Ultimately, I predict that the movie will end up in kids' DVD collections, where it belongs. It will be seen as an impressive use of new technology that adults don't feel the need to see again, a sophisticated bit of movie-making without a sophisticated message.
Of course, I could be wrong. But let's see how close I get on this one.

Circle circle, dot dot

2009-12-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

Bowing to special interest groups, a coalition of recess monitors and elementary school disciplinarians are no longer requiring incoming students to receive a cooties shot, sources told NewsWeeks yesterday.
The new policy comes as a result of efforts on the part of lobbyists who question the government's motives for requiring the vaccine, doubt its efficacy and demand a more thorough analysis of its risks.
But pro-cootie shot groups have already shot back.
"This is a scientific issue. It's about public health, not about being a fart blossom," said 7-year-old Tyler McKenzie, who supports compulsory cootie vaccinations. "Cootie shots are effective more than 90 percent of the time, but for every student who refuses to get vaccinated, my risk of catching cooties from that gross kid Rich Poston goes up dramatically."
McKenzie is supported by anti-anti-vaccine groups, such as Calvin's Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, which have pointed to the viral spread of Girl Cooties among junior highschool males.
"We're seeing dudes get into things like Twilight and Perez Hilton," the G.R.O.S.S. site reads. "You can't say that this isn't a byproduct of decreased social immunities. Huh-uh."
But the rapid spread of cooties cuts both ways. According to the latest figures from the Centers for Cootie Control, mutated cootie strains have shown an increased immunity to such household remedies as crossing your fingers or touching base.
"New cootie shots have not been proven any more effective than traditional remedies and may even cause cooties," said playground princess Laura Williams. "I can't go over to my friend Samantha's house anymore because I'm afraid her nasty brother will give me cooties. And I'm not about to take a chance on getting any of his grody-ness on me, shot or no shot."
While the American Medical Association continues to recommend cootie shots as the most effective way to prevent cooties, spokespersons warn that the most common cause of ineffective shots are the administrators themselves.
"Don't go to anyone who doesn't draw two complete circles on your arm," AMA Cootie Czar Brad King said. "Also be careful that your shot provider isn't somebody gross who's already got cooties. Then you'll get them no matter what."
The decision to abandon cootie immunizations come on the heels of last week's firm decision that no such thing as a triple-dog dare exists.

Lilly white

2009-11-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

I can never accurately pronounced the word "Lil."
In complete acceptance of my paleness, I am forced to say either "Lih" or "Little."
While this is normally not an issue, it makes talking about rap music difficult. This is why Bow Wow is by far my favorite rapper. He's the only one man enough to drop the lil'.

NewsWeeks endorses -- Free edition

2009-11-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

Another round of cool shit for you from me. It's like the holiday gift set you never wanted and won't use, but in a less clunky format.

Illinoize
If you like fish and grits and all the pimp shit AND references to the Land of Lincoln, you'll love DJ Tor's mash-ups of Sufjan Stevens' music with dudes like Aesop Rock, Grand Puba and, yes, Outkast. Free download. Call it a public option.

The Savage Love Letter of the Day
There's nothing like feeling good about your own vanilla sex "thing" after reading clear-headed advice to people with truly effed up issues. Pre-eminent sex columnist Dan Savage now answers at least one reader question EVERY. DAY. on the Stranger's crappily named blog, the Slog.

Regretsy
And you thought Thomas Kinkaide sucked. But he's got nothing on the raw talents of the regretsy patrons. It's a collection of the worst art from indie megamill Etsy. An overpriced, under-talented clearing house. In that way, it's not unlike your mother.

Your NPR nickname
You know those impossible sounding monikers that you hear every morning as you dutifully tune into to the only semi-liberal newscast around? Now you too can join the ranks of Neda Ulaby, Rene Montaigne, Lakshmi Singh and David Kestenbaum. All you do is take your middle initial, put it anywhere in your first name that you like and then add the name of the smallest foreign city you've ever visited.
So Star Trek captains on NPR would become Jamets Moterrey (James T. Kirk who visited Mexico) and Jeln Murol (Jean-Luc in France--dude has no middle name, so I used "Luc"). Try it with friends!

Their fanatics are smarter than ours

2009-11-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

Let's go, AMERICA!
Only in this country can you make science an article of faith.
An article in the New York Time's this morning explains how some creationist bullshit is catching hold in the Muslim world, but only slightly.
Even they can't accept that the Earth is 6,000 years old and completely deny evolution. That kind of fervent stupidity needs Jerry Falwell.
According the article, most students in Pakistan (and many other areas in the region) find evolution to be a scientific fact.
There's a economic credo I learned about in school that basically states this: Even if two sides disagree about a course of action, the one that denies the truth is or at least will be at a supreme disadvantage.
This, of course, doesn't apply to religion--but neither does evolution. Or abortion. Or gay marriage.
So while it's now wonder that the land that brought us Mormonism, the likely story about one man's ambitious plan to screw a bunch of underage women, works hard to keep its residents dumbed down, it's hard to accept that we're actually succeeding in some ways more than places like Pakistan.
In places where women's bodies are objects to be shamed and their rights nonexistent, the people still cannot be convinced to disregard all evolutionary principles.
Yes, we're deplorable. Yes, we know better. But at least this way nobody has to think too hard about going to a church that tells them to love thy neighbor as themselves---unless they're different from you.

So, Halloween

2009-11-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

Every year I hear people talk about girls dressing as sluts for Halloween. But aside from being stale, the conversation is often wrong.
A lot of hot young women happen to dress slutty much of the time (god bless 'em), and the only difference on Halloween is that they do it with combined with a headband shaped like cat ears.
It's not unusual for me to catch a mini skirt in December or glimpse a babe with too much cleave and a thong sprouting out of her ass on a Tuesday night.
The reason that we all talk about it on Halloween is that it's socially acceptable to talk about it on Halloween. On this night, we're all invited to ogle each other's get ups in a slightly more intense fashion than usual, so it's natural that we're more likely to respond to the protruding curves we see otherwise but keep mum about.
Catty comments, which are normally too quotidian to be interesting, are suddenly encouraged. And we all take advantage of it because deep down we all want to talk about other people.
In reality, the "slutty whatever" costume is a facade for a lack of creativity. It's the equivalent of a man not suiting up or your mom going as a witch for the umpteenth time. Only it sparks interest because in the general sense, young women's reasoning is, I think, much more interesting than young men's reasoning.
In conclusion, let me quote that august philospher Michael Showalter, who told us that "Sluts rock. It's just gotta be the right slut."

Men lists

2009-10-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Men are the new women, and the publications aimed at them are borrowing pages straight outta Cosmo.
Everywhere I look, I see tips on how to seduce women, how to deal with your friends, the best strategies for getting ahead in business, and how to better relate to your family--all aimed at men. Soon, G4 and Spike will begin broadcasting their own versions of Lifetime movies. Just wait, you'll see.
To get my foot in the door, I'm offering a NewsWeeks list of Guy Rules without any of the bullshit like "Always hold doors open" and "Learn to bake a cake" that the new male media tries to feed dudes. So, without further delay, I give you Guy Rules:

If you don't want her to fart around you, you can't fart around her. I know it's unfair, because it's way grosser when chicks beef than when guys do it, but it's only fair. The only exception is a good dutch oven.
Never take two turns doing karaoke unless everyone else has already gone.
If you don't agree with a song's political statement, don't listen to it. The art is there to there to drive a message. If you're a NRA member, maybe 311's "Guns are Pussies" just isn't for you. Conversely, if you love every inch of Folsom Prison, Johnny Cash is not your man.
If you like expensive beer, congratulations. Now shut up about it.
If you're going to talk politics, don't regurgitate something that a pundit has said better.
Keep your slang updated, but not stupid.
Quit caring what other people name their babies. It doesn't affect your life. Let it go.
Live in the now: Classic rock had a time and place. It was all well and good, but times change and it's time to move on. You weren't alive then, so find some modern day Baudelaire who tells it like you think it is. The great irony is that now classic rock is such a "safe" choice to like. Nobody but me will bust your balls about it.
If you know a whole rap verse, you may sing along. But if you start mumbling over a part that you don't really know, you have to shut up.
Girls want dessert, even if they claim they don't care.
You're not less of a man for drinking fancy coffee. Unless you make a big deal about it.
If you don't have a good comeback, too bad. Don't try to oversell a lame retort. Just accept that you got served and move on to less-served pastures.

If I wrote for The Onion

2009-10-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hipster sports fan ironically gets drunk at tailgate

Ace speed reader plows through 5 children's books a day

Jewish convert unable to stop telling Jew jokes

Lifetime announces made-for-TV movie based on Publix commercials

Gay 8-year-old transfixed by man's buns

At the risk of sounding like an ass

2009-10-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of people campaigning against flu shots.
Let me say this: You don't have to get a flu shot, but it's irresponsible and scientifically indefensible.
In a normal year about 20,000 Americans die from the flu, 50,000 in pandemic years. This year, of course, it could be much, much higher.
Part of my job is to "get the word out" about flu prevention to college students. I thought it was going to be a relatively easy sell. We have proven ways to help your body create antibodies to fight the disease, methods to help contain its spread and the ability to quickly and fairly accurately diagnose it. And all these things are easy.
But everywhere you turn, it's easy to run into people proudly spouting ignorance. This is not only foolish, it's dangerous. Let me take on second and respond to some of the comments I hear over and over again.

Everyone should be vaccinated against the flu. It's not just for the young, the old and first responders. One of the reasons for vaccination is to limit other people's exposure to the disease, especially those with weakened immune systems. We all live here together, and we have a responsibility to take care of the least among us.
It's OK for pregnant women to get a flu shot. For all the advances in medicine, there's still a swath of feelings that anything "unnatural" is bad for babies. But that's just not true. Pregnant women are especially susceptible to some illnesses and should take precautions whenever possible.
The flu vaccine is the best prevention available. This does not mean it's perfect. It's possible to have a shot and still get sick, spread the disease and even die. But it's the best option we have.
Confusion and ignorance about how the vaccine is created should not prevent you from getting a shot. Vaccines work. When was the last time you saw someone with polio?

If you decide not to get a vaccine, that is your choice. I think it's irresponsible, but I will not force it upon you. However, I think it's reasonable to ask that people not spread their force their own fears and ignorance onto others. Let's stick to the best bet.

Misunderstood lyrics

2009-10-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes hearing the lyrics wrong is a good thing.
I've never been a U2 fan, but I was recently disheartened to discover that they're actually less interesting than I gave them credit for.
Here's the video to "Pride (in the Name of Love)." Watch it and follow along with the words I thought Bono sang, which are conveniently typed below.

Women come in the name of love
Women come and go
Women come here to justify
Women to overthrow

In the name of love/Once more in the name of love
In the name of lo-o-ove/Once more in the name of love

Women come on a barbed-wire fence
Women he resists
Women wash on an empty beach
Women betrayed... with a kiss

So ok, the last verse kinda sounds like a poor is doing laundry before she's jilted, but apart from that these lyrics are completely believable as an acoustic rock girlpower anthem.
To me that's a much more interesting take on feminine power than Bono's pathetic "She moves in mysterious ways" line.
What a douche.

Techno-logic

2009-09-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

When I first saw a video of people dancing to Haddaway's "What Is Love?" I reasoned that they must be trying to figure out an answer. That's why they were dancing and not talking.
Since then, I've noticed a trend in techno music. You think it's dumb because it's a bunch of beats of synth noise, but it's actually probing deep philosophical or mysterious questions.
I mean, have you ever asked yourself "what is love?" I think that's one hell of a question.

And it's not just Haddaway. Remember Ace of Base's "The Sign"? What the hell was on that sign? Did it flash out it's warning like the sign in Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence"? Why did it open up her eyes?
And what about "All That She Wants"? It's about a girl who wants to get knocked up and is leaving town tomorrow. So should this dude go over to her place and have a night of fun? It's true that she'd probably let him take a turn without a condom on... but you know she's gonna keep it if she gets knocked up. It's a tough call.

Comparatively La Bouche's "Be My Lover" sounds deceivingly simple. But beware.
When you first hear it, it's all like "La-dee-dah" (literally) and you think it's going to be a pleasant, fluffy song. But like Admiral Ackbar could tell you, it's a trap!
Out of NOWHERE the chick just straight-out asks if this dude would like to be her lover. Who wants to have that conversation? It's a techno song about that moment when the girl inevitably asks, "So what are we? Are we, like, dating or what? I need to know where this is going."
The rapper dude is totally blindsided. So he raps for a minute and dodges the question, and then BAM! she's back pushing the issue. Demanding that he answer whether or not he wants to be her lover. I just feel bad for the guy. The techno beats are just like one long awkward pause.

But even that's not nearly as fucked as The Real McCoy's "Another Night" which starts out like a regular love song, but then you realize the main characters are RELATED! Grody.
Here are the lyrics to the guy's part: "I'm here to set you free/ I am your lover, your brother/
hey sister let me cover/ your body with my love"
Incest: Check.
That's why the girl singer is so conflicted. She's all, "In my dreams I'm in love with you/because you talk to me like lovers do" and it's fucking gross on one hand, but on the other hand, she likes the male attention.
I'm pretty sure this is where J. Eugenides got the idea for Middlesex.

So, you see? Techno songs give you one buttload to think about. No wonder people shut up and dance.

SPEECH

2009-09-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ice T once opined, "Freedom of speech. That's some motherfucking bullshit."
While it's true that in the next line he went on to describe a blumpkin in especially nasty terms, he had a point: Our freedom of speech is misunderstood. It's not, however, eroding daily as he implied.
It's superstitious to convey a special powers to certain words that make them somehow worse to hear. The only reason that most of cuss words are bad is because they're related to sex, something our Puritanical ancestors and R. Kelly like to keep behind closed doors.
Luckily, the times are a-changing. Most of us realize now that there is nothing inherently dirty about titties, dicks or fucking. We also understand that everyone we know watches at least a little bit of porn now and then. It's clear that the taboo over sexy words is going away.
But that's not all.
Insensitive language is also gaining ground on derisive terms for genders and races.
For example, it's always OK to use the word bitch. Sorry, ladies, but that's the truth. And while it's unacceptable to use "cunt" in the presence of sensitive ears, "pussy" is all right in just about every instance.
Racial slurs are only ok if you're in that race, you're a racist, or you're talking about the N-word controversy.
And because white men are socioeconomically at the top of the pecking order, it's always OK to make fun of men and whites. And guess what? That's the price they pay. And, since white dudes have been setting the rules for quite some time now, there aren't any truly insulting words to call a white guy. What are you going to do--call somebody a honkey? A cracker? A dick? An asshole? Slow down there, potty mouth! You're about to get all Eddie Murphy up in here.
The only true way to insult a white man is to call him a derogatory term for homosexuals. This is the price that gay people pay for being a very tiny minority and one that is still struggling for rights. For the record, I don't think that's fair at all but I do think that that's the way it is.
Speaking of homosexuals, because they're the most disenfranchised, it's pretty much always acceptable to use "gay" to refer to something that you don't like. Again, I don't agree, but it's how it goes.
So is there REALLY an erosion of our ability to say hurtful things to each other? I don't think so.
I do think that as responsible and respectful people, we should avoid hate speech at all costs, but it's not OK to censor people's ability to express themselves.
The problem with restraining speech is that it's impossible to decide who gets to make the rules. If certain words are only acceptable in certain situations, who gets to say what they are?
We should demote all former cuss words and slurs to "regular speech" and increase sensitivity education. We'll still be able to judge people by the words they use, but we'll remove the enticing "illegal" taboo from them, and let the speakers words be only a reflection of their beliefs.
Either that or we'll unleash a whole army of people who's hate has only been stemmed by cultural taboos, and they'll begin to verbally bash each other in the streets. Which might actually be kinda fun. It's a total win-win.

The smartness stigma

2009-09-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does it seem like ignorance is chic?
As a society, we've removed the stigma from being dumb. It's become more shameful to correct someone's factual error than to make the error in the first place.
I'm not advocating that we become Renaissance Men, but I do think that any active citizen, any educated individual, any thinking man or woman should be comfortable with a wider breadth of information than we are.
Not only does this help us engage with our communities and each other in different ways by reveals the interrelated web of human experience, it also protects us from abject horror.
Our ignorance of civics has led to incredible repeals of civil liberties. Ask people what rights they have, and you're not likely to hear anything from the Constitution, but a list of jingoistic asininity like "freedom" and "liberty." These are not rights, and it's not right to think they are.
We're also under assault from history. Too often I hear people advocating simplified answers to complex real-word problems from our past. For example, ask yourself why our country fought the Civil War. The answer is a complicated array of political tensions, economic troubles, propaganda and more. But just because something is difficult, that doesn't mean it's unanswerable or not worth your time to figure it out.
I'm not asking you all to write essays about how our country changed during the Industrial Revolution, what led Linnaeous to binomial classification, what's collected in 1001 Arabian Nights or the origins of geometry. But we shouldn't look down on those who do know. Knowledge should be envied and celebrated, not scoffed at.
We shouldn't let a quest for knowledge take a back seat to manners. It's unacceptable and dangerous.

The lives of others

2009-09-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

One of the toughest social lines to tow is the relationship between judgment and acceptance of friends' behavior.
I find that there's a general consensus that it's bad form to be mad about a predictable and widely known fault a friend has. E.g., it's hard to be mad at your friend who is always late for being late to something. I'm not advocating this point of view, but I am saying that it's already established and you're in for some lonely weekends if you want to argue against it.
I also think it's a sign of maturity to allow people their faults and not get bent out of shape unnecessarily. If you disagree, start taking note of how your younger friends handle situations. I bet you'll see a little more sensitivity to non-personal statements and actions.

So this is all well and good and we can feel like accepting, happy people... but there's got to be a line for social faux pas that is non-negotiable. Or I'd like to think so.
As a society we've agreed that certain things are so rude that they're virtually impossible to defend. Correcting someone's grammar is one of those things. So is calling someone fat.

But there are other things that are tricky as hell. One that I can't seem to understand is how to deal with a friend's deplorable behavior toward another friend.
Let me explain (and note for all my friends who have so graciously taken time to read my bullshit, that this is truly not about anything that's happened lately. I got the idea for this post from my ethics class).
If a friend of yours does something truly despicable to another friend of yours, what is your moral obligation? Let's say that you disagree with the action and accurately presume that their moral defense is weak. Let's also say that you know the action has caused the victim mental pain and anguish.

In this case, surely you're obligated to state your disapproval of the act to the perpetrator and at least offer your support to the hurt friend. That's a pretty basic definition of friendship. If you pretend that you're not involved, you're tacitly endorsing the behavior and silently trumpet your disregard for your friend's mental state---not friendly actions.

But does your moral obligation stop there? Aren't friends the judges and juries or social ills? And if not, who is?
To act 100 percent ethically, I think that you should impose some sort of slight punishment on the perpetrator. It could be as simple as calling the victim to hang out first before inviting the perpetrator out. But I'm not sure that's always practical.

The problem with social situations, is that people have a convenient excuse not to act in a responsible way. Even at its most basic, a situation like this is complex. It only gets trickier when you think about real people and real situations.
So what to do?
I think that you owe it your friends to think about the issues that affect them and plan a response, keeping in mind that perfect solutions never exist. At the very least, it will make you more understanding of at least one party and help you grow as a person. Even if you end up doing nothing, the mental exercise is always worth the effort. And you owe it to your friends to think on it.
This same principle, that your actions should be considered whenever possible, should also apply to business practices and work-related situations. So it's possible that the outcome would be the same whether or not you behaved thoughtfully, but the process at arriving there would be much more enriching--and, I'd argue, morally responsible.
Do y'all feel the same way?

People groupings

2009-09-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

An army of frogs, a corps of giraffes, a convocation of eagles and a crash of rhinos.
These are all technical names for groupings of various animals. But the same concept can be applied to people.
What follows is a list of famous people, dudes I know, and large swaths of mankind classified by names I find appropriate.

A sentence of rappers

A passe of Seinfeld watchers

An Eddie Murphy of Eddie Murphys

A shame of Dashboard Confessional fans

A unexplainable continuity of Wayans brothers

A Wal-Mart of values voters

A feeble of Go Bar patrons

A funky bunch of Mark Walhbergs

A naivete of Tom Robbins fans

An Eddie Murphy of Hank Azarias

Cheapass

2009-09-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

So the recession has given us new excuses to be cheap. And not just cheap, fucking cheap.
For example, I saw two dumpster-style hipsters pull half-eaten muffins off abandoned plates outside Five Star Day yesterday. They did it casually, like they were plucking apples off a tree.
Sadly, that's not the bottom of the frugal barrel.
Home-made jeans shorts have made a comeback, girls aren't disappointed if you buy them PBR, and people are actually saving the pizza coupons that come in the mail.
Clearly, we're living hand to mouth.
In the interest of preserving dignity during our down and out days, I'd like to offer the following suggestions to save your cash.
1.) Don't hold in your farts. If you're worried about money, you don't need the added stress of clenching up your butt cheeks after a big night of cauliflower and onions. Let 'em rip. A clear mind means better financial decisions.
2.) Don't say "bro." It's times like these that you can't afford to be a douche.
3.) A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but depressions bring about bigger bushes. If you're into the "bare down there" thing, maybe you should keep your bird in your hand.
4.) Use a sock. Hey, Kleenex cost money.

Hope that helps.

Facial hair

2009-09-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

After doing a brief survey of chicks I know who've gotten married recently, I spotted a trend.
The marryin' kind of girl is apparently drawn to the warmth and safety of facial hair. My Facebook friends seem to prefer goatees, probably because goatees look so shitty that no girl will steal away your man, lest she have to look at his vagina-like face forever.
But beards work too.
Somehow I think it subconsciously sends the signal "I'm ready for a committed relationship." In another anecdotal piece of evidence, all the guys I know with beards have long-term GFs. The other guy I know in a long-term relationship regularly grows a big-ass beard and then shaves it off. But the same principle applies.
In Amish society, a married man grows a no-mustache beard to signify his lack of availability to the Amlettes in his village. I'm not sure why they do it, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a relationship between beards and marriage that reaches far back into the history of hooking up.

Right message, wrong speaker

2009-09-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

The Obama speech: Too much has already been said, but let me float a semi-unheard of theory for y'all.
The truth is that nobody actually cares about what he's actually saying. Work hard, study, get good grades, quit making excuses---these are pretty much universally agreed-upon values we'd like to instill in our children.
The problem is that it's being said by President Obama. That much is clear. If Steve Jobs wanted to deliver this same speech, no one would protest.
There are two reasons that people don't want to listen to Mr. Obama: Because he's black and because he's a Democrat. But let's be honest: It's really just because he's black.
The cover stories that claim Obama's speech was going to brainwash children and indoctrinate them into the Democratic Party are a bunch of hogwash. His speech was about 20 minutes long. Even children need more time than that for brainwashing to take effect.
I say that as the proud father of a precocious 5-year-old who receives more than a heaping helping of views different from my own from his mother's family. But their voicing their beliefs to him doesn't bother me. Instead of having him agree lock-step with my ideals, I want him to craft his own opinions and outlook--even though he's only 5.
A guess what? Universal health care, raising taxes on the richest one percent and the quotidian workings of the War in Afghanistan are about as interesting to him as hearing about his old man's high school days. He's more interested in doggies, Go-gurt and whether or not Batman could beat up Superman to waste his time with much else.
But, and here's the kicker, I'd like him to one day take an active role in politics. And to hear a president--no matter what political stripe--talk to him about something he can relate to (i.e. homework) may be the best way to plant the seed of that future goal.

Sorry about that tangent, but now I'm back again. ABC BBD.
So why does Obama's blackness matter? Because some people are racist. And it's not strictly an American thing or strictly a white thing. You know that MIA album "Kala"? It's title is borrowed from the N-word of India. It's a derogatory term for Indians with a very dark complexion.
But racism's ubiquity doesn't excuse it. I'm just saying that it's out there... and prevalent. Let's not pretend otherwise.
And let's, for once, talk about what's really going on, instead of masking it behind bullshit facades of parental choice.
Racism is about fear, and fear feeds off ignorance. Keeping your children away from diverse viewpoints and multicultural thinkers only encourages a vicious cycle.

Late night thoughts

2009-08-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

There are many things in this world worse than insomnia, but right now I'm not suffering from any of them. It's just sleep that I miss.

Why am I up? This message has been brought to you by Royal Cup Coffee, a reliably cheap if disgusting conduit for caffeine now served at less-than-fine locations near you.

These are the thoughts that occupy a thoroughly worn-out mind 90 minutes after it's tried to quit awakeness cold turkey:

It seems ironic that the Indigo Girls, who never strove to get by on their looks, had a hit single about trying to be closer to fine. Fine they are not. Respectable, sure. But fine is something that takes time--not mom jeans, a flannel shirt, two mullets and a thoroughly female-centric view of neo-folk.

Pimentos are pathetic. They can't even stand on their own--the only reason anybody ever talks about them is because they hang out with olives or cheese. They're like Oats from Hall and Oats. Or Bjorn in Peter, Bjorn and John. Fucking tag-a-longs.

No one ever tells you this, but the H in Jesus H. Christ stands for He. That's why we capitalize it.

Now that Deep Throat is exposed, this country needs another good mystery we can wrestle around with. I say we name the next informant The Marianas Trench, and see if someone will name a ridiculously plotted porno after it.

Tennessee is the Volunteer State, yet they have several non-volunteer fire departments.

There are only three kinds of crocks: Crocks of shit, crock pots and Country Crock.

What happens when an astronaut sneezes in the space station? Does it just sort of hang in the air? And who cleans the space station? Please don't tell me they make the girl do it.

If you built a robot that was capable of love but then all it loved was really stupid stuff like Wheel of Fortune and the Twilight series, would you consider yourself a failure? I sure would.

How hard must it have been to convince someone to get the world's first enema? It must've taken one charismatic doctor/perv.

This post will lose me some indie cred

2009-08-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I love The Strokes far more than I should. Their albums have provided the backdrop for many mental wrestling sessions over breakups, getting a chick pregnant, graduating and working my first real writing gig. In other words, through it all.
If you don't like them, fine. But this post serves to explain my reverence. Fair warning.

The band's first album, which came out as I settled into the college groove, is a raw collection of ambition. It's the prism through which the band saw themselves and the pre-9/11 world.
Its posturing suggests a band striving to be the affector--not the affected--of the modern age. As a guy who desperately wanted to be part of the "now" of the 21st century, I could relate. We were a generation of kids who looked around and earnestly (and rhetorically) asked ourselves "Is this it?"
It made sense to be self-destructive and unflinchingly jaded. Why even talk to the rest of the world? As the first single's chorus stated, "People--they don't understand."

The second album is a desperate attempt to hold onto youth. It's peppered with themes of fast times and pleas to slow down and enjoy the ever-escaping present.
The lyrics aren't the only part of the sound that matured however, as the guitarists pounded out more complex riffs, and the drumming, while still stopping short of anything so crass as a fill, used more textured beats to both underline and overshadow the strings' cohesion.
I still don't know why this album, which remains ambiguous and seems to wander a bit aimlessly, meant so much to me. But it did.
The questions that lead singer Julian Casablancas struggled with mirrored my own, and the fact that it was layered of such a tight and controlled musical pastiche served to made his uncertainty all the more relatable to myself and my environment.
Who else thought about (much less sang about) the "things in bars that people do/When no one wants to talk to you"?

By the time First Impressions of Earth rolled out, the band had shot to the moon and crashed back. I, too, felt that I had lost the luxury of naivete.
No longer could we proclaim "I messed up because I was young and stupid." No, future fuck ups would relegate us to the class of "just stupid."
The Strokes quit hiding behind their influences (Sonic Youth, Velvet Underground, and all the rest), and instead strove to be heard clearly---both figuratively and literally. Casablancas even jettisoned the sandpaper voice effects that fingerprinted the band's inchoate sound.
What was left underneath was what the guys knew it was all along: An above-average bar band with an immigrant's work ethic that was slowly getting used to the idea that they only live once.
Whenever I hear Casablancas moan, "Why won't you come over here?" and then attempt a coax with the next line, "We've got a city to love," I can't help but think it's probably the strongest argument he's made yet.
And sure, I'll drink to that.

Citizenship

2009-08-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

When someone applies for U.S. citizenship, who grants it?
Give up? It's the U.S.A. AKA the federal government.
The 50 states have no citizens of their own, citizens of the country RESIDE within state borders. Cities, towns, counties and parishes also cannot grant citizenship. It's solely a federal right.

Annoying traits

2009-08-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

I got inspired by an author's request to hear about what the most annoying personality traits are.
Among the most hit were:
Interrupting, One-Upping, Smells Bad, Close Talking, Telling Long Stories, and, weirdly enough, Recycling and Conspiracy Theorists.

I throw my annoyance in with the people who can't stand bad story tellers. But what's interesting is that so many things on the list have to do with carrying on regular conversations.
Things I assumed would annoy people (lateness, fatness, dumbness) didn't crack the top 25 comments. I wonder if this is universal.
If so, we could all be dramatically less annoying by simply talking less. I suppose we could also try to talk "better," but in my experience that never happens.
I've never known an interrupting friend who was able to overcome interrupting, or a boring story teller to improve in quality.
I believe that there's a small window when you CAN change this sort of behavior, and it occurs well before adulthood. There's not much use in pointing out the problem, you just have to quit hanging out with the person.
Bummer.

WCW meets MADD

2009-08-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

So much depends
upon

a white chicken
shit

eyes glazed with fire
water

behind the steering
wheel.

Dream jobs

2009-07-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

I've always felt that while technology is enriching our lives, we haven't spent enough time using natural methods to improve society.
Using dogs to sniff out drugs and lift hospital patients' spirits only scratches the surface of what I'm sure we could accomplish if we harnessed the natural world.
In that vein, CNN has a story about blind people who are trained to use their heightened sense of touch to detect breast cancer lumps.
According to the article, "A study at the Essen University's women's clinic, Germany, concluded that MTUs found more and smaller tumors than doctors in 450 cases."
MTU stands for Medical Textile Examiner. (I know it doesn't line up, it's like EKG for Electrocardiogram.)
Anyway, this is huge news--but it will only get hyped as a method for help reduce breast cancer because anytime you can write an article about women's health or realtionships, it shoots straight to No. 1 on the most-emailed list.
But it's still good news. Hopefully this will instill a new, Daredevil-like approach to using people with great abilities to bolster the common good.
And maybe that could move onto other animals. I'm fully convinced that we'll be able to solve every problem ever with the right mix of technology and nature. But one road alone will not lead us to Rome.

Sports and God

2009-07-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Religion and sports have long been twin abusers in my life. They have separated me from packs of the doggedly faithful, schoolmates and "guy friends."
People have questioned my sexuality and morality because of my disinterest in each.
But it's not that I can't appreciate what they have to offer. It's just that what they offer seems so small to me. I find that obsession with one or the other to be two sides of the same coin of human emotion.
Faith in god, faith in a team. What's the difference?
Both religion and athletics are egalitarian, built upon rules governing behavior that are somehow open to redneck interpretation; both have superstars who are dumb as bricks; both require a degree of belief in the fairness of dead men who wrote the rule books; and both share the belief that some of us are anointed to be exceptional in their service.
Don't get me wrong: I enjoy a contest governed by rules. I watch football and baseball and tennis, but I don't have a dog in the race. I don't get upset if the team who plays closest to my hometown loses. I don't get happy if they win.
This is parallel to the notion of morality in religion. I have morals and I enjoy thinking about them, talking about them and reading philosophy of them, BUT I have no faith in a just god or a guiding force of fairness in the universe. I believe that equality and fairness are goals we must work toward, but that will not be met be some Karmic equalizer.
I'd rather EVERY sporting event I watch come down to a nail-biting, drama-filled final second of action than have the Georgia team cruise to victory handily. And I'd rather find some absolute truth in the question about morality and the human condition--even if it means dismissing a Biblical teaching--instead of shrugging off critical thinking and relying on the 10 commandments.
If I know more about Protestantism and the Faclons than Buddha and the Broncos, it's because I grew up in environments that allowed easier access to experts in these fields. If I was born in a orphanage in New Jersey, I'd probably better understand both Catholicism and the Jets.

So what is it about religion and sports that people like? Their opiate like qualities that dull the deeper senses? Yeah, that's part of it.
But a bigger part, I'm convinced, is their ability to make someone feel that they're a part of something bigger than themselves while still allowing them to exclude large groups of people.
Go team.

Ugly People

2009-07-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to tackle one of the big remaining taboos in American society: Ugliness.
I was reading an article in British newsy today about how women are getting more attractive while men are remaining just as unattractive as ever. The basis is that beautiful women tend to have more babies, and more of those are female (and also attractive).
The theory is a little shoddy and not very interesting, but it did make me wonder about ugliness studies. I never read stories about how ugly people have a harder time finding jobs (that aren't at Krystal anyway) or make better musicians or tend to be angrier in general.
In fact, I've come to the conclusion that as far as our society at large is concerned, the ugly are an invisible race. Or we wish they were.
I've decided, therefore, to make it up to all the uggos out there with a few public policy proposals. Feel free to write your (probably ugly) senator.

1.) Good Parking Spaces -- We've given spaces to the handicapped and pregnant women. But what about ugly people? I say we let them get in and out of Kroger as fast as humanly possible. I don't want to see their mugs any longer than I have to.

2.) Ugly Hour -- Like happy hour, but for ugly people. This way they can go out to a bar and not feel uncomfortable by being forced to stand next to attractive people.

3.) The Ugly Americans Act -- Puts in place harsher penalties for people who were denied a job because they were ugly. Unless that job required people to see them, of course. It's more for jobs like stocking a warehouse or customer support.

4.) National Ugly Week -- Make the kids do reports on famous ugly people who did great things. CNN can do specials on Steve Buscemi, Lou Reed, Roseanne, the guy from The Georgia Satellites and Joakim Noah.

I realize that not all of these will be effected overnight. In the meantime, ugly people can do things themselves to help move society toward greater equality.
For instance, ugly guys with hot chicks can start high-fiving dudes who stare as they walk down the street.
Also, ugly girls can quit hanging out with hot girls. Stay with your own kind. Hot chicks think that you make them look better, so use that logic yourself. Make yourself look better by only hanging with other ugly girls.
It'll make the hotties squirm a little, but so what? There's a lot of guys who would rather go out with the hottest of the notties than the nottest of the hotties.
And, finally, we can breed out the ugly.
That's right. Get rid of the ugly DNA.
So every hot girl out there, get with an ugly dude and settle down. Hot dudes, never make a pretty woman your wife. Eventually, we'll breed a race of average looking people and be forced to judge each other on the contents of our character.
But until then, I'll get to date a babe. Total win-win.

Pain

2009-07-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

So we all know that pain is no fun unless you're a masochist, but actually knowing what pain is is something else entirely.

I've done some research on it, and most sources confirm that pain is a feeling created by your body in order to identify tissue damage. The sense you feel? That's a message sent by your body to your mind to let you know that you better get that harpoon out of your nutsack.

It is not, as I've encountered, the feeling of body cells dying. It's also not a measure to determine whether you're alive. In fact, people with damaged nerves sometimes feel pain when nothing is wrong, simply because the signals get their wires crossed.

The word probably comes from the Latin "poena," meaning to punish or punishment, or from the French "peine." Either way it fucking blows.

But what blows more is that there's no way to quantify it.

The top medical minds have determined that pain is "whatever the patient says it is, wherever they say it is."

And since there is no way to actually measure pain, scientists have tried to find ways around it.

For instance, all pain is classified into two categories: nociceptive (the regular kind of pain, the kind that occurs when something is wrong) and non-nociceptive ("fake" pain caused by damaged nerves, it's the pain that you feel that you would not if your body was working correctly).

Beyond that, nociceptive pain is further broken down into the sub-categories somatic (felt in the muscles and skin--a cut or bruise, say) and visceral (felt in the organs, like cramps).

But all these categories do is tell us what caused the sensation. They can't act as an "ouch--meter."

One method of approximately measuring pain is the McGill Pain Questionnaire. I've pasted it below. To use it, describe your pain using three words from groups 1-10, two words from 11-15, one in group 16, and one from 17-20.

Group 1 - Flickering, Pulsing, Quivering, Throbbing, Beating, Pounding
Group 2 - Jumping, Flashing, Shooting
Group 3 - Pricking, Boring, Drilling, Stabbing
Group 4 - Sharp, Gritting, Lacerating
Group 5 - Pinching, Pressing, Gnawing, Cramping, Crushing
Group 6 - Tugging, Pulling, Wrenching
Group 7 - Hot, Burning, Scalding, Searing
Group 8 - Tingling, Itching, Smarting, Stinging
Group 9 - Dull, Sore, Hurting, Aching, Heavy
Group 10 - Tender, Taunt, Rasping, Splitting
Group 11 - Tiring, Exhausting
Group 12 - Sickening, Suffocating
Group 13 - Fearful, Frightful, Terrifying
Group 14 - Punishing, Grueling, Cruel, Vicious, Killing
Group 15 - Wretched, Binding
Group 16 - Annoying, Troublesome, Miserable, Intense, Unbearable
Group 17 - Spreading, Radiating, Penetrating, Piercing
Group 18 - Tight, Numb, Squeezing, Drawing, Tearing
Group 19 - Cool, Cold, Freezing
Group 20 - Nagging, Nauseating, Agonizing, Dreadful, Torturing

Yes, it reads like a goth kid's diary, but the seven words you pick out are supposedly very useful to doctors in finding out the "quality and intensity" of your pain.

They might also describe your wife. Hey-O!

And pain medication? It blocks the receptors in your brain from receiving the message that pain exists. So it doesn't actual make anything stop hurting, it only makes you not notice.

You've learned a lot, right? Well, keep this in mind next time you hurt: NONE OF THIS WILL HELP YOU AT ALL.

Genesis singers

2009-07-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about Genesis, admittedly. When the band Genesis was popular I was playing the video game system of the same name.

But here's a theory: Maybe they broke up because of their views on feelings. Just look at how they're two lead singers turned out later.

Peter Gabriel embraced his feelings. They became his muse and allowed him to create music.

"All my instincts, they return/the grand facade so soon will burn/without a noise, without my pride/I reach out from the inside."

Phil Collins, on the other hand, was tortured by his. He sang, "I can't come out to find you. I don't like to go outside" and "There's nothing here to remind me, just the memory of your face."

I mean, that guy went through some shit. So while Peter Gabriel's emotion was transformed into creative energy, Phil Collin's pain could only be exorcised by sharing it, musically, with others.

Ladies, help me out here

2009-07-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just read a post in Psychology Today about why attractive men make bad husbands.
Apparently, they pay less attention to their mates (and get cheated on more often). The author also contends that the best relationships occur when the woman is more attractive (physically) than the man.
I'm sure that this goes for boyfriends as well.
But I want to know what girls think about this. Have your good boyfriends been more or less attractive than you? And as they've been more attractive have they been worse boyfriends?
I like to think of myself as a great boyfriend (when I'm in a relationship)... but I'd hate to think it's an outgrowth of my unattractiveness.
So, let me know. In your experience, is this true?

Lists

2009-07-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've been in a list-y sort of mood lately.

Top Nicknames for Your Junk That Are Also Literary, Historical or Famous Characters:

Male Edition
10. Pip
9. Dick Nixon
8. Paul Baumer
7. Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf
6. Wang Lung
5. Smashmouth
4. Toucan Sam
3. Ban Ki-Moon
2. The Distinguished Gentleman
1. Crocodile Dundee

Female Edition:
10. Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. Boutros Boutros-Ghali
8. Nada Surf
7. Boo Berry
6. Sarena Williams
5. Moan-a Lisa
4. Harriet Beecher Stowe
3. Beatrix Potter
2. Harvey Danger
1. Donkey Lips

Hermaphrodite Edition:
5. Slash
4. Izzy Stradlin
3. Axl's Rose
2. Kofi's A-non
1. Jamiroquai

NewsWeeks endorsements

2009-07-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of Oprah's favorite things™ and McSweeney's recommends™ comes my own personal list of cool stuff to make your life better.

"The Next Time Around" and "Brand New Start" by Little Joy -- The drummer from the Strokes and former boyfriend of Drew "I'm Famous" Berrymore has a new band that's ukulele-driven and enriched by some knockout boy-girl harmonies. It's light and summery and the perfect accompaniment to a drink festooned with a little umbrella.

Tallulah Gorge State Park -- You're not alive anywhere like you are after sliding into a pool of clean, natural water at the floor of a one of Georgia's 7 Natural Wonders. It makes me feel connected to everything and everyone and very, very human. Pack a lunch and prepare to become ennobled.

Alambres Fajitas at El Sol -- The best thing they've got, and one beaut of a dish. Made with the greatest meats and cheese east of the Rio.

Lifehacker -- A brilliant site about getting the most from the modern world.

Running barefoot -- It sounds painful, but after the first few outings, your feet toughen up. To try, warm up first then do a quarter mile or so on your dogs. It feels great and strengthens your ankles. Just look out for dog shit.

Looking Up Your Favorite Artists on Twitter -- Sometimes they've joined, and sometimes not. It's usually a pretty fun adventure. Try Weird Al (alyankovic) for starters and build your own list from there.

The Board Game "Things" -- You'll laugh so hard you'll get abs like the guy from Incubus.

Cussing to the rescue!

2009-07-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

Cuss words serve a purpose!
Shit yeah!
As it turns out, the involuntary expletive release following a major foul up, like hitting your thumb with a hammer, helps human beings withstand pain.
That's major news for people like me, who love curse words. This blog post at the New York Times explains it all very well.
Nobody knows why, but it does help explain the phenomenon.
However, it produces a problem for cussing enthusiasts who relied on the kind of logic I've held close to my heart: That cuss words are no worse than other words, that it's superstitious and irresponsible to think otherwise, and that by using those words often we are diluting them of their power and taking the crutch away from people who want to use them express themselves thus forcing them to explain more clearly.
But what if this "using up" of cuss words no longer allows them to help us deal with the pain of stubbing our toes or slamming our dicks in a door?
In other words, what if my mom is right about swearing?
I'm not sure I could take it. I'd probably have to cuss.

The Indie-o-meter

2009-07-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

Judge your hipstertude with my all-new, not-for-profit indie-o-meter.

Some things that have been making me laugh lately

2009-07-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

Here's a few sites I've been .

Old Jews Telling Jokes
If you know me at all, you can probably guess how much I love this site.
I used to have a fantasy in which my roommates were an old Jewish man and a overweight black woman. Every week we would get into wacky adventures. They could help me get dates and/or scare them away and, around Christmas time every year, we could learn valuable lessons about acceptance and diversity.
Luckily, this site is nothing like that. It's more like the dirty part of a vaudeville routine.
It's updated twice a week with a new joke from an old Jew. And Norm MacDonald counts.

People getting hit by buses and trucks!

This was a great idea for a compilation, and edited well. Apparently, the guys behind this (two dudes at College Humor) are big LOST fans, which is why it's in there twice.
I'm just happy Mean Girls got a spot, but for my money, I would've popped in Cruel Intentions. It's the only time that whiny pout comes off Ryan Phillippe's face.

My Life is Average

And that's OK.

Google, in time of need

2009-07-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

Suppose you're the kind of person who likes to decide things by committee.
If there's an important decision you need to make, you'll seek out the expertise of those around you, compile it mentally, and go with the choice that gets the most "votes."
Usually this is done by asking the people closest to you: significant others, parents, friends, siblings, etc. But if you have an important decision that must be made quickly and you can't reach anyone even in this accessible age, what do you do?
I suspect that you might Google it for consensus.
If that's the case, would you reduce it to a should/should not form and take the bigger number of direct matches, or would you search the question itself and see how it was answered somewhere else?
For example, would you Google "I should go see a movie with Shane" and "I should not go see a movie with Shane" (for the record, the first gets 280,000 hits; the later 434,000)?
OR would you type in some sort of variation on "Should I go see a movie with Shane?" and look for the answer that way?
Here's part two: Do you think you feel like you made the right decision this way and do you think it make that much of a difference from what your normal consensus recommends?

Side story: When I was young, my friend Bud used to tell me to flip a coin if I couldn't decide something. "If you find yourself hoping it lands on one side, you know that's what you really want to do," he said.
He was a pretty bright dude.

Less than zero?

2009-07-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

As you loyal readers know, I love stories about the Catholic Church, specifically its main man, Pope Redeyes.
The greatest intro phrase in today's newspaper, however, belongs to a NYT story that should've been titled Sister Act.
It reads: "The Vatican is quietly conducting two sweeping investigations of American nuns."
That's going to be funniest thing I hear all day. Sweep those nuns!
I'll bet somebody in Rome installed a DVD player up in Popemobile and he finally got around to watching Nuns on the Run and called for a detailed examination.
Anyway, to show my support for the hags in the habits, here are some Nun photos, the blog equivalent of sports bloopers.
Enjoy!

Places to Pee

2009-06-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

Let me clear this up, in case any incontinents out there are tired of holding it.

Places it's always OK to pee:

1. Toilet
2. Outhouse
3. Behind a big bush, tree or shrubbery
4. A Hummer
5. Off the porch

Places it's sometimes OK to pee:

1. The desert
2. An electric fence (when it's off)
3. Your girlfriend's mouth
4. Your roommate's bed (if he's passed out drunk)
5. In a car (during a road trip)
6. On a cat (if no one's around)
7. In a trough (at a baseball game)
8. The sink

Place's it's never OK to pee:

1. A bidet, apparently
2. Your office chair
3. In the corner

Excerpts from Daniel Vestenbean's diary

2009-06-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Oh goody! After months of toil, I have completed work on my top secret device! It's not unlike a guinea pig's water bottle, but instead of water, it dispenses cottage cheese when suckled. I plan to test it out on my bicycle tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Daniel Vestenbean

Dear Diary,
Today I wore my sports jacket with leather elbow patches. Spent the better part of the day trying to rub my elbows against things to feel the friction.
Last night I dreamt I was made out of wood.

Sincerely,
Daniel Vestenbean

Dear Diary,
I so dread the approaching holidays. I became so bothered thinking about them, I pooped my trousers during a canasta game with KP.
I wish someone would make a decent rump cleaning service. When I inquired about it to my loud neighbor Gentry, he told me not to ask him things like that anymore. I am beginning to doubt that he really has lived in this town all his life.

Sincerely,
Daniel Vestenbean

Dear Diary,
Gentry has taken to calling me "Foist" for reasons I cannot understand.
I tried to masturbate into a kleenex, but missed and hit the home-made snuggie Granny Vestenbean knitted for me. Covered up the damage with a leather patch and decided to do the other elbow as well. I am so smitten with the gown's new look, I wore it to pick up my car from the mechanic.

Sincerely,
Daniel Vestenbean

What really smarts

2009-06-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

The venerable Chronicle of Higher Education has taken a break from providing an outlet for academics to bitch about academia this week and produced a real thinker of an article about intelligence.
The article positions itself against the widely held axiom that different people have different kinds of intelligence, and says that in "reality" most people are either smart pretty much all around or dumb all over.
The author's main point goes like this: he different intelligences argument holds ground because people want to believe that we all have different kinds of intelligence because it means that every person has value and talent.
I fully believe this. People want to believe. He also claims that there is hardly any empirical evidence to back this up. He cites a source or two, but it's hard to cite sources that show there's no proof.
He calls bullshit on the anecdotal wisdom of tales like "my dad could speak five languages but couldn't fix a car" for the truth they show: Your dad never bothered to learn how to fix a car, but he probably could learn it handily, and the people who fix your dad's car either learned it easily or spent hours and hours re-learning it.
In short, he argues that some people are smart and some are dumb and that it's OK to acknowledge that life isn't fair this way.
of course, it's easy to argue that some people are smarter than others when you're an associate professor. You're naturally going to be assumed to be in the "smart" camp.
But what about the rest of us--those whose IQs may not break the bank?
I agree with a lot of what this author suggests. I believe that people who are smart are generally very good at what they've bothered to learn. And people who are dumb have a hard time learning new things.
But, I'm not sure that it's how quickly you learn that should mark us as smart and dumb. That should mark us as good or bad learners.
It's what we learn and how we use it that should mark us as intelligent or not.

Facebook statuses

2009-06-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

I joined Facebook to hear from my friends about my friends.
I did not join so that they could alert me about celebrity deaths or buildings burning down.
I read newspapers and blogs, listen to the radio, and watch the news for that.
A status update is meant to indicated YOUR status, not Michael Jackson's. He made an album called Bad. Your "RIP MJ" status is just lame.
Did these people not see the 50 other statuses updated the same way? Did they think that by NOT updating it would mark you as someone who was somehow anti Michael Jackson? Or do they feel that the American culture doesn't allow you to participate in enough group think as it is and you needed to take this chance to display your conformity?
I can't answer. But it's a valid question: Why on Earth did they do it?
While I'm at it, the same boring-ness applies to people who try to make jokes about it. "Bob Davis is doing better than Michael Jackson. J/k!!!!" is somehow more annoying than the sheep think of your non-creative friends.
Here's another thing that irks me: RIP means "rest in peace." A building in my town recently burned down. It was somewhat historic and slightly iconic. In the same cyber-breath people declared that it should "rest in peace" and "be rebuilt."
That can't happen. They're opposites. Ying and Yang. Light and dark. Dick and pussy.
If you really want to express an honest emotion, and you feel honestly that Facebook is the appropriate venue for it, make it honest. Avoid the trite. It makes you seem vapid.

Side post:
The correct plural of "status" is, not surprisingly, "status." It is not stati" like you might think because of the common Latin practice or even "states." What IS surprising is that the plural is actually pronounced different, using the long "u" sound as in the word "tune."
So ok, that's technically correct, however, that's an old, prescriptive answer. In common English--the kind the descriptivists know and love (and for my money, the far more interesting kind of English) the accepted plural is "statuses."
I'm all for using "statuses" since it's more understood and more widely used, but it's fun to know what the correct declension would indicate. So there you go. Now you too can be annoying to your friends at dinner.

Testing the nerd mettle

2009-06-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

Here's John Hodgman doing 15 minutes at the Correspondents' Dinner, which is turning out to be the comedy event of the year. Ever since Stephen Colbert eviscerated ol' GWB the bar--and media coverage--has been set high.
Hodgman does us all proud in his usual way, which is to take a weird angle and run very, very far with it.

Even newer Weird Al song!

2009-06-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

"Craigslist"

It's a "style parody," which means it's in the not a direct line-for-line parody but rather in the same musical vein as another artist (in this case, The Doors). Ray Manzarek himself plays the keyboard on it.
It's also that rare comedy song in whic the chorus is funnier than the verse.
Enjoy!

Arguments

2009-06-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

I've been accused of being aggressive in my blogging and conversation.
It's a fair charge, but not one I find particularly insulting, despite the tone in which it's often made.
I believe that if you hold strong beliefs about something, you have a responsibility to try to change others' minds.
Will people stop hanging out with you because you make a convincing case? Will they fire you? Rarely.
If you've thought enough about something to pass judgment (e.g. "I like it." or "I don't like it.") then you have a strong enough belief to argue.
It goes without saying that one should always pay due regard, and part of that respect (both for yourself and others) is having the courtesy to make your point, especially when it may be unpopular.

Graduation speech

2009-06-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I was invited to speak at a graduation--any graduation. Here's what I'd say to a my former high school:

(Introduction by principal)

Hello class of 2009. I can't believe you guys invited me here. That was a mistake.
Congratulations to all of you. You have completed the rigorous curriculum that old white men have required of you, and you are now free to move about the world on your own. I applaud you. The biggest difference in your new life, which you will notice immediately, is that you'll soon be able to eat lunch whenever you want, use the bathroom without announcing it, and cuss around adults.
You'll hear a lot of old people tell you to follow your dreams, but that's not good advice. Unless you have wet dreams.
You see, we're in a global depression and things look pretty bleak. Unless your dreams involve being poor, mistreated and government-dependent, I would advise you not to even try. Instead, you should strive to cultivate new dreams. Your dreams should never be outcome-dependent, but rather focused on the process of becoming the person you want to be.
As part of that dream, many of you will go to college, where you'll begin to listen to Husker Du and Yo La Tengo. Don't get too excited, however, because not knowing about music looks uncool.
You'll read things that will blow your mind. And you'll try to use that knowledge to get girls to blow your dick.
Others of you will head to work full-time jobs. You'll put up with more shit in the next few years than any reasonable person should ever have to. And you'll get some chick pregnant and marry her. Enjoy the sex part.
Others will join the military. I doubt you'll enjoy the sex.
But all of you have something in common: You didn't get this far on your own. You all cheated at some point.
Your parents, who also cheated, have forgotten what this part of life was like. So let me remind them: It was when you thought everything was bullshit and you had a constant boner.
I still feel this way, which I probably why I was invited to talk here.
I don't want to sugarcoat ideas about your future: There will be a lot of pandering and you'll all give somewhat on your morals. You'll contemplate suicide. You will lose faith in God, if you still have it. You will see evil in the eyes of your closest friends and family, and they will see it in yours. You will masturbate, at least once, to someone you hate.
But you need to remember this: It's normal. We all feel out of place. None of us is normal. Yes, you're special—but only in the way that everyone else is. Don't let it go to your head.
Now, Class of 2009, let the party begin. Go fingerbang someone!

Commonly mistaken words

2009-06-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of words that I often hear used incorrectly.

Bombastic
What you think it means: "Very good, especially as a man or a lover."
Why you think that, if you do: Shaggy's "Mr. Bombastic" spelled out that he was quite a fellow who also happened to pack a hammer in his jockstrap. But, in reality, bombastic just happens to rhyme with both "fantastic" and, somewhat, with "romantic."
What it actually means: "Using big words to impress people." Know anyone like that? I don't.
Why it matters: It's a fun word to say, but you don't want to sound like a fool (or worse yet--a Shaggy fan) when you use it.

Mano a Mano
What you think it means: "Man to man."
Why you think that, if you do: It sounds like that.
What it actually means: "Hand to hand."
Why it matters: It's still OK to use it in most of the circumstances you'd otherwise employ it in, like "We'll settle this mano a mano." But it's not ok to say something like, "Let's talk mano a mano" unless you mean "Let's duke it out."

Tea bagging
What you think it means: "To suck nuts."
Why you think that, if you do: You learn slang from chicks
What it actually means: "To dunk your scrote in something/someone." Like Athena's proclamation that a parent is the one who mounts, the teabagg-ER is the one with nuts
Why it matters: It's only appropriate to say "she teabagged me" if you're in Eugenides' "Middlesex."

Cornish
What you think it means: "Corn-like or corn-fed or possibly even corny"
Why you think that, if you do: Just look at it; who woudln't think that? I mean, really. Who uses this word anyway unless referring to those little chickens?
What it actually means: "Of or relating to Cornwall in Great Britain"
Why it matters: Because you have to capitalize it. Plus, if you're eating Cornish gamehen, you're already hanging out with snobs, you might as well do them one better.

Chode
What you think it means: "Taint or gooch, that magical place 'twixt balls and ass"
Why you think that, if you do: Again, you learn slang from chicks... or douchey dudes
What it actually means: "A dong that's wider around than it is long."
Why it's important: Because "chode" can be used to describe other things, like a pencil or hotdog or anything else in that shape that happens to hold some girth.

Looser
What you think it means: "A person who fails at life."
Why you think that: Because you don't read good.
What it actually means: "Not as tight." A loser only has an "o."
Why it's important: Because people screw this one up all the time. Don't be like the milling throng. Rise above!

Five things I've often longed for but never experienced:

2009-06-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

1. A backstage pass to something
2. Seeing a real girl with a Brazilian wax, one that I earned the right to see
3. Being somebody's nigga
4. Singing the bass part in a barbershop quartet, the guy who goes, "bompitty bomp uh dangy dong ding BLUE MOON"
5. Eating a burger so big that I get it for free if I eat it all

Another one liner

2009-06-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

When God closes a door he opens a window.
Probably because he farted.

Summer drinks!

2009-06-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

There's nothing better than clinkin' drinks with a good buddy by the pool on a hot day. With that in mind, I've decided to share some of my favorite summer drink recipes with you guys.

A Sam: A half-white, half-yellow potable that bartenders only make one out of every four times you order it. Even when they say it'll be right out, you might have to wait an hour you actually see it.

An Alex: A tall, non-alcoholic beverage that comes with pizza.

A Tony: Although it usually comes with a Michelle, you can order a Tony solo most nights of the week, and almost always during Sunday brunch.

A Vogel: Tincture.

A Paige (also called the FUPA Libre): A slightly insulting Spanish wine.

A Matt: Cheap and easy, this drink is a welcome addition to any party or bar.

Gettin' away with it

2009-06-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I'm very easy to hate. I'm easy to like, too, but the flip side of that coin is that I'm easy as hell to hate.
I've always been this way, and thus I've spent serious time considering how to make people hate me less. But instead of learning about how to win arguments and influence people, I usually just daydream about how to get away with things scot free.
There's a long list of people who can do this, and I envy the hell out of them.

Take God for example. If He does something that you can't explain, people just say "He works in mysterious ways" and leave it at that.
Why can't I be like that? Why can't someone be like, "NewsWeeks sucks. He stole my car and fucked my girlfriend." and then someone else could pipe up with "Well, you can't understand him. That guy works in mysterious ways." No explanation necessary. Not even an excuse.
It's a Get Out of Shit Free card.

Case number two: Shitty boyfriends.
"He drove off and left me at a bar alone at 2 a.m. and I had to walk home and then he wouldn't talk to me for a week, but then I made him dinner every night for a month and things got better."
We've all heard variations of this. It just goes to show that Shitty Boyfriends can get away with anyway by not giving a fuck.
It sounds easy, but it's not. I've tried to not give a fuck, but I can't. So the reverse happens to me. People say, "He called you 15 minutes late and instantly apologized for his lateness? You had better withhold sex for a year and make him take you somewhere nice to eat and be a bitch to him the whole time."
This world sucks to live in. I want to live in the first world, where a shitty personality wins you things through an insane reversal of logic. This works the same for Crabby People. We always give in to crabby asshole demands. And why? Certainly not because CPs are any fun.

Case three: Chicks on the rag
If I had a man period, I would SO use that to be an ass. I'd be like "Hey dude, sorry for making fun of your dick size in front of your female boss, but my friend was visiting."

Case four: People who have mild social retardation
When your loser-y friend who may or may not have a slight case of autism shows up at a nice event and says something like "I think Ron Paul has a good shot in 2012. I mean, anyone who liked the Fountainhead should vote for him" you HAVE to reply with "Oh really? Cool." and walk away.
Why? Because if you actually take him seriously as a human being who is culpable for the shit that comes out of his mouth and say something like "What the fuck kind of fanboy Internet world do you live in? Quit jizzing yourself over this racist Texas asshole and spouting your ignorant opinions at a goddamn work dinner party." people will call you an asshole. Trust me. This happens to me every Wednesday.
I don't know how people can decide that you're one of the chosen people who should be not held responsible for what they say. But boy, if I knew how to land that rep, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I'd walk around and say horribly annoying and inappropriate things like, "I like all kinds of music excpet country" or "I'm not religious but I am spiritual" and people would nod and grimmace and reply politely. How great would that be?

Case five: Dumb chicks
Low IQ ladies can get away with not knowing shit about shit.
A girl with eyes like dinner plates and a mind like rusted steel trap can pronounce "rabbi" as "rabbit" or "sphinx" as "spinks" or ask you what "the deal" is with Darfur or why we don't just print out more money to get out of the economic crisis and never fear that someone will call her dumb.
And maybe that alone is a testament to some sort of intelligence... but I doubt it.
In this instance, I would not take trade places with them. Sure, they don't have to read a newspaper or wade through really fucking boring articles to make sense of the world around them, BUT they also don't understand shit.

Case six: People Who've Been Scarred on the Face
They have carte blanche to be an ass. Why? Because their mug looks like peanut butter and jelly.

Case Seven: Hunchbacks
Quasimodo broke new ground. Since that guy, every hunchback has been treated with respect and infinite tolerance by everyone except the other people on this list (and small children with bad parents).
I played a pick up game of basketball with a hunchback once, and he punched this other guy's knees out as he went for a three pointer. The shooter turned around ready to beat some ass, and completely deflated when the HB (whose name was Todd, btw) hobbled away. I laughed so hard. I hung out with him later that night and he told me he does shit like that all the time--even to cops--and he never even got detention.
That's the kind of world I want to live in.

Weddings

2009-05-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

Some great friends of mine are getting read to tie the knot, which has caused all my other friends and I to re-evaluate both the role that marriage might or might not play in the plot lines of our lives and the spectacle of weddings themselves.
Any other time we get together, Mexican and food and beer is considered OK to eat. But at a wedding that seems informal. A serious commitment requires serious food, and apparently nothing is more serious than finger sandwiches and a three-tiered cake that costs more than my car payment.
But all that aside, I don't want to retread the old debate about weddings. I want to blaze new ground. Every try-and-be-fresh quirky movie/blog/etc. you read about wedding seems to dance around one essential idea: All the bullshit surrounding the Big Day seems to threaten to cheapen its emotional realism.
If it's honesty you're after, it's usually far simpler to produce than you'd think. Here are my tips on how to pull it off:

Don't use bad songs whose lyrics belie the sweet, low-tempo sound of the music. If you're going for reality here, use songs you both know and love that tell it like it is.
Suggestions:
1. Good Life by Kanye West
Now your grandma-ma is not the only one calling you baby. And, btw, who doesn't want their marriage to feel like Atlanta, Miami, L.A., summertime Chi? Haters, that's who.
2. Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand
This is really what you're telling someone you're marrying: "I'm just a cross-hair... And I want to get out of the house, goddammit."
3. November Rain by GnR
This may sound strange. But how cool would it be to get into a big fight, leave the house and pop in this song? I think its raw, overplayed power will always force you guys to get back together. After all, you just probably just needed some time on your own.
4. Fingertips by TMBG
What better way to tribute the schizophrenic, breakneck, disturbingly weird, mundane, funny and trial-filled life you're both about to live than with a song of 21 15-second mini songs that run the entire emotional gambit? "Leave Me Alone" "I Don't Understand You" "Please Pass the Milk, Please" "The day that Love... Came to Play!" and "I'm Having a Heart Attack" should pretty well document the union in its entirety.
5. No One Else by Weezer
Bad news guys, your girl DOES have a big mouth and she DOES blabber a lot.

Under no circumstances should you use these:
1. Let's Get It Started by Black-Eyed Peas
Sure it sounds like a good intro to a new phase of life, but Fergie's the greatest butterface of our generation. Don't tempt fate by making your new wife dance to that.
2. Gold Digger by Kanye West
The wedding itself already makes this point for you. Don't belabor it.
3. Beer for My Horses
I mean really.

Other ideas:
1. The bride should get her own bathroom for the whole day. It's your day, right? Who wouldn't want to shit in peace?
2. The groom's cake? Please. The groom should get to choose the entree. Somethin' meaty.
3. People who like Johnny Cash are a bunch of bullshit. I wanted to do a whole post about this, but the flame potential was endless, so I'm sneaking it in here.
4. WASPS: A wedding is about good times. What's with somber, non-alcoholic, dance-free showings of love? If you want people to spend a lot of money to watch you do something that will in all likelihood never affect them, at least offer them a good time in exchange.
5. Wedding dresses should have a fart flap to lift in case the bride beefs.
6. You know how at Thanksgiving some people try to invite a loser over to enjoy the warmth of family? You should do that at weddings. I'm thinking Bathrobe Billy.
7. Also, what's with the no exes rule? If you still give two shits about your ex, you probably shouldn't be getting married.
8. If you have an alcoholic relative make sure you invite someone with a temper and a fighting streak. A fight at a wedding provides a nice sense of balance.
9. When you drive off, play some bluegrass music. It makes it seem like you're getting away with something, namely not cleaning up.
10. The lame-ass wedding jokes of tying cans to the bumper or whatever else are fucking over.
11. "Save the Date" cards are for wasteful pussies. Be a man and just ask people to get their asses there. If it's not booked yet, don't ask. I'm not going to save a date if you can't tell me what's going on. That's like agreeing to do someone a favor before you know what it is.
12. Engagement photos are egregious. If you must do them, don't show off the ring as if you're a trashy bitch proving your worth with a dumb piece of shiny rock.
13. Also, newspaper announcements are rude. If you want someone to share your happiness, you should tell them. If not, don't pretend like it's big news. Even ugly people can get married (to other ugly people). You're not special.
14. Plus ones are a weird concept. I like the idea, but not the name. Can we call it "an extra man"?

A few notes to songs

2009-05-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping,"
It's clear now that we've kept you down. We ask that you quit telling us that you'll get up again. This news may be hard to take. May we suggest you piss the night away?

Dear "Papa Don't Preach" and Madonna,
Listen... It's fine for you to keep your baby. We supported your decision and acknowledged it was difficult for you to make up your mind. But lately you've started to keep other peoples' babies and things are getting out of hand. It's pretty clear that you're doing this in reaction to your father's faith, which must still be bothering you. You can't change him. Let it go.

Dear "Youth of a Nation" by P.O.D.
God, you sucked.

Dear Twisted Sister,
You took it. We all knew you would. Sorry if it all seems fake now.

Digital Underground:
We've since had other chances to do the hump and feel slighted by your insistence that the humpty dance would be our sole option. Do not contact us again.

Dear Jesus Jones,
Right there, right then seemed great at the time. Now, however, we all like being over there in a few minutes. Please update as necessary.

Dear "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish,
Like the fat girl on homecoming court, it's hard to understand how you were ever popular. At the time you seemed like one more in a endless string of not actually funny punk-ish ska songs. Now, you've become emblematic. Too bad you still suck eggs.

Dear "Paper Planes,"
If it wasn't for the gunshots, nobody would like you all that much. I hope you don't think you sound "hard" because of them.

Dear "Creep,"
Is it weird to be played now, now that it's clear that Thom Yorke is very/fucking special? He may be a creep, a weirdo, not know what he's doing here and not belong here... but special? You can bet your weird eye he is.

Hipsters (you knew I'd do it eventually)

2009-05-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

WAIT!

Before you don't read this post, let me make one thing clear: I don't give a shit about hipsters. This will be a post talking about other people talking about hipsters.

Here's a question: What's a hipster? Try to define it. It's hard, eh?

Here's what I've got: Hipster (noun) -- a derogatory term referring to young, often urban, people identified by an aesthetic often described as ironic, but in fact is more purposefully detached to what is perceived as current trends.

A hipster fashion sense seems to attempt to point out that trends are absurd by showcasing the ludicrous nature of those past. As far as I can see, the hipster "movement" is purely one of fashion. In that respect, it's almost populist because the aesthetic is easily and cheaply copied.

Sure, you can claim that there are other elements of hipsterdom like musical taste, for instance, but I'm not sure that's accurate. The music that hipsters congregate around is the music that appeals to a wide swath of 20-somethings. It's just that some of those performers dress like hipsters. It's like that with lingo as well. Hipsters use the argot of youth. Some of it's ironic, some words are brand new, some are portmanteaus, etc.

You might think there's nothing similar about an indie-rocking 27-year-old hipster living in New York and a frat guy from South Caroline. On the surface, you'd be fight. But chances are that both of them watch 30 Rock, occasionally say "hey buddy" as a throwback to that Adam Sandler routine, listen to Radiohead and would easily understand and applaud any reference to Thundercats (speaking of, did you ever notice that they drew nationalities into that show? Pantrho is totally supposed to be a black dude).

So what's with hipster-hating? I couldn't tell you. They're virtually powerless. They look ridiculous already. If you can make any sort of judgment that's unique to hipsters as opposed to all 20 somethings, is that they clearly have some sort of sense of humor.

Also, the people I would call hipsters REALLY don't like to be called hipsters on the average. Yes, this is a point that everyone makes. But here's a twist: except me. I don't give a shit. I incorporate certain pieces of vintage clothing and plastic glasses that seem to be in lockstep with hipsterdom. So if you say "you fucking hipster" to me, I'm not all that offended. Why would I be?

Hang on, I gotta finish this later ---

Poo on the job

2009-05-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Today I chanced a glimpse into the final frontier, a place so unknown and unknowable that men fear to tread. The women's restroom.

Beyond the smaller bladder and need-to-check-their-makeup arguments, I think that women go to the bathroom more than men in part because they like it in there.
I think saying "I'm running to the restroom" brings to mind such a different web of neural sensations for women that it might spark jealousy.

For example, take the bathroom where you work. I love the bathroom at my work. I visit it a few times each day, and if no one talks to me, I have a great time.
It has many good things going for it. It's clean. There are always paper towels. We even have three ways to do business: a urinal, a regular stall and a handicapped (AKA deluxe) stall.
I prefer the deluxe, natch.
On the downside, sometimes it stinks of someone else's shit. But so what? The fact that I don't have to clean it still makes a net positive.

The ladies in my office tend not to like the bathroom so much. It makes me wonder what kind of treatment they get in other WCs out there. I've heard rumors of women's restrooms stocked with couches, refrigerators and chippendale chairs, or even ludicrous luxuries--like handsoap--at upscale department stores.

Which is weird, because the last time I drained the lizard in a Parisian, I had to choose between the stall without a door and the one inces deep in what I hoped was standing water.

But can highclass stores really compete with a professional office bathroom? Or can a home potty?

Are there any men out there who prefer the luxury of two-ply toilet paper, nice smells and flattering mirrors to the convenience of not having to clean the place where you shit?
It makes me wonder.

How's the War on Terror like YouTube comments?

2009-04-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

You can't win a War on Terror and you can't win a Flame War.

Both are new-style clashes that make the most of 21st century technology and Americans' inability to adapt to new scenarios.

Whether you're trying to change the minds of fanatic guerrilla fighters hiding behind Koranic verse or some dude who goes by "RonPaul2012Fanboy" on the Interwebs, you're doomed to fail.

Both of these characters are hellbent on making you mad, and claim victory in response of any kind. And neither are not going to come out into the open and fight in daylight.

And why should they? They'd lose. So they've trapped us into a battle that completely unwinnable, and like an idiot, we've all accepted.

Try to tell someone on the Internet that you don't think Sean Hannity is good for America. It doesn't matter which website. Hell, you can post it under the police blotter on your local paper's site. Then see what happens. This is not strictly for liberals, either. Type in "Obama sux" beneath the latest Washington Post Op-Ed piece and you'll see the same thing:
One guy will respond, someone will respond to him, and BOOM! soon you're dealing with a thread more full of misinformation, incoherent ramblings and misspellings than Kurt Cobain's diary.

It's akin to what's going on in our War on Terror. At no point can we ever declare "we've defeated terror" just was we can't declare "now UbrPwnage69 surely understands the merits of the Watchmen movie."

Time in a beer bottle

2009-04-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like bananas.
A quick Q&A in the NYT attempted to answer the question, "Why does time seem like it moves faster as we age?"
It doesn't say the answer, but it does say this: "Stephen Hawking and others have suggested that the difference in perceptions of time amounts to a specific mathematical ratio."
It's probably a very complicated formula whose explanation would be boring and take forever. And while I'm glad there are smart people working on problems like this, I have an alternative answer: Time goes faster as we age because the world is a boring place and we all get more boring as we age. Hence, as we age, we find things that were previously boring to be more interesting. And we all know that when you're interested in something, time moves fast.
Think of a 5-year-old you know. I bet that little dude is an interesting person. He probably daydreams about remarkable scenarios, discovers new things and probes for explanations about his environment--all on a daily basis.
Now think about your co-worker in the next cubicle. He or she probably does the same thing today that they did one week ago. And they'll regale you with tales like, "I need to buy some new wine glasses. I think I may take a trip to Target."
Fun city!
I understand the need to buy wine glasses, but you have to admit: It's boring. And not just any kind of boring. It's BORRRRRRING.
I remember thinking "Oh no! My parents are talking about furniture again" when I was at a party in my youth. Now, if a friend of mine buys a new chair or couch, I'll make a special trip across town just to see it. I'll even tell co-workers about it.
That's how boring I am, and I'm one of the more interesting people I know.

Famous last words

2009-04-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when I'll die, but just in case it's soon I want to have some good quips at the ready.
Here's what I've got so far:

I... always... loved... (die)
I like the idea of going out cryptically. No one will know who I meant, so it could be anyone. You, your mom, a movie, Third Eye Blind. I'd like to see the obit: "He died as he lived, talking a bunch of bullshit."

Tell Zac to deliver the eulogy to the tune of "Tom's Diner."
This is a great final wish. This way if people come to my funeral, they won't be able to get that damn song, and through it ME, out of their heads for two weeks.

I'm gay.
I'm not. But why not go out with a joke? It has the added effect of people believing it and thinking, "I really didn't know that guy at all." Hence, more mystery. Yes!

I want a Sailor Moon funeral.
Theme weddings, theme birthdays, theme casual Friday, why not theme funerals?

Make Alex sing "My Heart Will Go On" and Jennifer sing "My Humps" during the ceremony.
Again, what good is a funeral that I can't attend unless I know it's going to be amusing. I like the idea of asking people to feel slightly uncomfortable when trying to say goodbye to me. I'm always a little awkward at goodbyes, so really it'll bring us closer together. Plus, My Humps has to be the all-time worst funeral song.

Bury me in a snuggie.
I'd just like for people to be able to say, "He looks so comfortable."

All right, some quickies:

Life really wasn't anything but bitches and money.

Schwing!

Never shave your mustache. Promise me!

If you have anything to say to the Crocodile Hunter, tell me now.

Aw, shit. I died.

Your bio-illogical clock

2009-04-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

People who hate Women's Studies programs are going to eat their words one day, I'm sure of it.
For those not in the know, women's studies is not the study of shopping and gossip nor is it particularly helpful in picking up chicks, but what it can tell you, or will be able to soon I'm sure, is a lot about men.
A recent story in the New York Times discussed the issues surrounding the scientific evidence of men's biological clocks.

Here are the bullets:
1. Men's bodies degrade with age and risks are passed to their children through less-able sperm
2. Children born from fathers 40+ tend to have slightly lower IQs and increased chances of mental disorders like autism and schizophrenia
3. These risks are low. But they could change the way we see female-to-male sexual attraction.

For years, I've been saying "men are the new women" and I'm convinced that it's going to be proven completely true.
Once we get past this Mars and Venus talk, I think we're going to realize that our bodies are far more similar than we've been led to believe.
Here's my question for the ladies who read: Is the biological clock phenomenon something that you think or something that you feel? Subquestion: Or do you feel it because you think it first?
I've always assumed that women feel the want to procreate and affix the facts of Western medicine to it, thus deciding logically to act on those feelings before 35.
Men, however, I'm not so sure about. We don't talk about our desire for children much (except for my buddy during his wedding vows), so I'm not sure how strong the desire for children actually is compared to the rationale for having children.
But then again, I'm coming to this whole notion from the vantage point that's been fed to me my entire life: Women want babies more than men do, and men more often resign themselves to having babies.

Point 1:
But what if this is false? What if, and keep up with me here, men and women experience this the same way. We'll eventually figure it out, teach it to the next generation and the little Geordis and Beverly Crushers will begin to experience the pregnancy discussion of tomorrow in an entirely new light.
THEN, a generation or so later, our legislation will begin to reflect the new ideas. And this is what excites me.
Men get a worse shake in the courts when it comes to children. Partly, I'm sure, because we can make more with relative ease and little or no adverse affects. (It's unspoken, but I'm sure it's there.)
So in the future, I'm hoping that we strike a new equilibrium, bringing men and women closer together.

Point 2:
I'm sure this is leading to a somewhat more uncomfortable subject I call "dude periods."
I think that the body probably fluctuates in a similar fashion to the female body, though not to the same degree. If they do, I have a feeling that it moves inversely to the female cycle because this would make sense for long-time bonds in an evolutionary sense. I bet the cycles even sync over time.
We're heading that direction, finding things like "Women are more attractive to men when they're ovulating" and the like. But what if men are more attractive to women at their most potent, let's say. Sperm is continually created, but I don't think it works like the Ford Motor Company.
I think that sometimes we make more and other times we make less. Ideally, we'd want to pass our genes along at the peak of potency, which may operate on a lunar calendar.
It's a long shot, but believe me. We will find out something along these lines.

Point 3:
This is the second "getting older is worse than I thought" story I've run across right before my birthday. WTF?

The First 10 Commandments

2009-04-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

So the book of Exodus tells us that Moses shattered the first version of the Ten Commandments because, as he came down from Mount Sinai, he saw a bunch of Jews dancin' like fools around a golden calf. And not to "Hava Nagila."
You're with me so far, right? So then Moses has to go back up the mountain and carve out two more stone tablets. Now, keep in mind, he carved these commandments on stone. And God dictated them.
Do you know how frustrating it is to dictate to a guy carving stone? It really tries your patience.

And God said unto Moses, "Dude. The beard. Not good. I'm going to send down some Queer Eye guys to help you. Let them get marr--what? Sorry, Moses. Hang on one second. Someone was talking to me. Where was I? Oh yeah, Commandment 9..." From Exodus.

So there are three schools of thought on what happened:
1.) God was like, "Dude. I already got these perfect. We're doing it just like that again."
2.) God was like, "Fuuuuuck this. You broke it. You make up that shit, man." And Moses was all like, "No way. No fucking way. Come on, God. Come on!" And then he tried to remember what was there before, but screwed it up and replaced the ones that said, "Don't be a bigot with shitty hair and yell at people on Fox News" to "Do not swear falsely by the name of the Lord." And "Thou shalt not be a douche" became "Honor thy mother and father."
3.) God was like, "WTF, Mo? I'm pissed. I'm pissed about this." And then made a bunch of way-harsh commandments like "Thou shalt not want to bone your neighbor's wife" that He knew we couldn't possibly keep.

So the next time you're in an Alabama courthouse and the Republicans there are gettin' all uppity about you Remembering the Sabbath and Keeping it Holy, ask them what they think about the REAL 10 Commandments. I'd like to hear their take.

Dating the band

2009-03-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

You can tell how cool you are by which member of a band you date. There's an easy system to see.
This works for both men and women, but I will make the assumption throughout this post that the band is made up of dudes. Exceptions will be noted. So, let's roll.

1. The Lead Singer
-You're popular and giving. The lead singer gets noticed, gets credit and gets laid. A lot. If you're going to be with him, you better get used to being No. 2 (and that's why he'll treat you like shit). He's exciting, but he's deeply insecure and needs attention from you, until someone hotter shows up. I'd also like to point out, that once you break up, your stock really plummets. So be careful.

2. The Lead Guitarist
-He's the second coolest guy in the band. He's a little more thoughtful and probably twice as talented as the lead singer. Unfortunately, he'll also rip his shirt off onstage. He's got a drug problem, but that's what makes him so fun. If you're dating him, you're going to have to talk about the music itself a lot. Have a good ear, and be ready to name all the members of the Sex Pistols. Otherwise, forget it. Music will be more important to him than you are. Not only his band's music, but all music. If you don't have a hobby you're passionate about, you won't be able to relate to him and things will fizzle out once his mysteriousness is revealed to be just a prettier form of geekery. Luckily, he'll still score you drugs after the break up.

3. The Bass Player
-Understated and under-interesting, the bass player is easiest way to get into to know the rest of the band. He's not as into music as the other guys, and doesn't score as many chicks, but that's because he doesn't care that much. Don't date the bass player. He does the other guys' laundry.

*If it's a chick bass player in an otherwise all-guy band:
Sure, she seems hot because she's playing music, but she hangs out with guys that are cooler than you all the time and they will have very little respect for anyone that dates her because they're already tired of her shit. She's the Fergie of the group, and while she seems fun to look at during the show, she's different to wake up next to. Once you start dating, she'll want to go home before the after party.

4. The Rhythm Guitarist
-If they have a rhythm guitarist, it's because he's their friend. Just about anyone can play rhythm guitar. So, chances are he's a cool dude. But be careful: He position in the band hangs on his ability to be liked by the other members. His charisma and know-everybody social cachet is appealing, but he's ultimately shallow and not confident. His music tastes will echo the Lead Guitarist's, with some more mainstream stuff thrown in, and his opinion on politics will echo the Lead Singer's. If you see him begin to hang out with the bassist more, call it quits. He's about to be let go.

5. The Drummer
-No member of the band will take more drugs than the drummer. If you sleep with him, he'll take it as an invite to crash on your couch for the next week or two. His spontaneous and fun bursts of energy will eventually lead to a total breakdown that you'll have to clean up. After which he'll break up with you by not calling again or cleaning his shit out of your bathroom. He will forget your name later and try to hook up with you again. He's a cyclical guy.

Uncomfortable music

2009-03-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

There are certain songs that cut me way too deep. These are the verses that don't just hint at parts of myself I can barely stand to look out, but actively shout their presence.
I usually listen to music to find the beauty in the irreversible; the energy in defeat. But when you develop a relationship with a piece of music or an artist, that relationship takes on all the facets of a regular relationship. And sometimes your friends, if they're good friends, tell you the shitty things about yourself.
This is an incomplete collection of those songs.

Ben Folds Five -- Silver Street

Over a minimal, jazzy piano line, Folds half-dejectedly relates this story of an old friend who bought a house in the old college town where "the seasons change and the storefronts change; everything else stays the same."
Every chorus ends with an ill-at-ease piano break after Folds cuts to the truth of his friend's life: "You're never leaving Silver Street."
It's hard to find yourself on the brink of townie-dom and hear this ode to the truth about not growing up. Or maybe it's just me.
Either way, I'm not comfortable with the implication that living in a college town equals a lack of change... even though I agree with it.
Sticking around stifles a certain type of growth that getting out of town brings about. It doesn't squash your ability to change, but it does make it hard to identify the big changes in life, e.g. the serious business of getting serious about business.
When Folds deflatedly sings, "It's hard for a man to stay cool," it pierces the whole late 20s scene with a brutal honesty that can shut my night down fast.
I guess no one likes feeling left behind.

White Stripes -- You've Got Her In Your Pocket

When a college girlfriend and I broke up, she told me that this song was written about me. We built our relationship on shared musical interests (instead "our song" we had "our key" and we would try to pick it out when we listened to the radio together--I still remember arguing about whether Tiny Dancer was in C or F) and so this way of stinging me in the breakup seemed appropriate.
I listened to it again when I got home and instantly knew what she meant. Now every time I put in Elephant, I skip this one because there are only bad memories associated with it.
Even just listening to it to do this blog post produced a visceral reaction.
For the record, I still talk to this girl and all is good between us. All the same, I'd rather not direct my thoughts toward the breakup if I can avoid it, which I usually can, just by not playing this song.
So there's your proof: Women can ruin songs for you, even years later.

R.E.M. -- Untitled (11th Track Off Green)

(I'm sorry about the crummy quality. It's all I could find.)

This song makes me cry consistently.
When my son was born, it was the first song he heard. I made sure of it by grabbing a CD Player before my mad dash down the interstate and to the hospital.
As it turned out, the rush was a waste (I stayed up more than 48 hours straight, most of them outside the delivery room, sitting Indian style on the white tiles in the hall.)
The gentle refrain of "Hold him/and keep him strong/while I'm away from you" expressed everything I didn't know how to say, and nothing more.
I'll tell him about it someday, but not until he's older.
Until then, it's too evocative for me to listen to.

I've bummed myself out writing about this, so I'm going to stop for now. I'll try to update it later; I still think it's a cool idea.

When God and poetry don't mix

2009-03-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."
Why? I ask. So you can see what you're missing?
I think this "proverb" means that you're supposed to exit through the window in order to leave the room that God shut you in.
Or maybe he opens one of those "high windows" that Philip Larkin wrote about. Those windows that let in the outside sun, but presumably keep what's inside in, illuminating, but frustrating.

The Number 27

2009-03-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm spiraling down the slope to 30 next month by turning 27, which as it turns out might be less intellectually stimulating than seeing the "Miss March" movie.
According to one British newspaper, old age begins at 27. It marks the beginning of the end of mental prowess, when people on the whole do worse at a battery of tests designed to do what NASCAR caps have been doing for years: Help us identify who's dumb.
I hate to think that my brain is already going downhill, when I just starting to put it to good use. However, I'm always trying to find the upside of irreversible scenarios. And so I have this.
Maybe it'll be good for gettin' women. It always seemed like the guys with big foreheads and enough mental strength to match a stegosaurus got the babes in high school. And in college. And then again in grad school.
But there's one problem. I have to figure out exactly how this will work and write it down before next month, before I get too stupid to do the brain work. I better use small words.
I can no longer continue using my old methods of being witty and boyishly naive to win (very few) friends and influence (almost no) people. That's not going to cut it with 27-year-old gray matter. I've got to find out how to be dumb before I get there, so that I can do it right.
Maybe I'll rent "W" or start working my way down Oprah's Book Club to get a feel for it.
It also occurs to me that this might be the last time I'll be able to appreciate serious fiction, grammar rules and chess, as none of my dumb friends care for them. I might as well stock up now, before I'm reduced to entertaining myself with LOLcats and "So You Think You Can Dance."
I'm going to begin my study of dumb people at the mall. I figure I better get used to it. After next month, I'll probably be there a lot.
Sigh.

Potty humor

2009-03-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

As I was taking a dump today, I started to think about so-called "potty humor" and some folks' tirade against it.
I met someone once (I can't remember who it was) who mentioned that she liked every kind of humor, even the perverted stuff, but not "toilet humor."
For the sake of scatological humorists the world over and the millions of us who do enjoy, I feel honor-bound to flush away thoughts that potty humor is somehow "less than" other genres of the funny.
Wikipedia holds that it's seen as sophomoric because it's child's way of pushing against the societal taboo of talking about dumps and pees.
While this toilet chair psychology may be right; it doesn't mean it should be dismissed.
You see, potty humor is hilarious. And it's not always that raunchy. Who can forget the low Charmin sunk to when it introduced its current mascots: the bears that always wipe their asses.

This is clearly potty humor marketed to suburban moms living in flyover states and shopping at big box stores. They think it's funny. It makes them want to buy this toilet paper (or at least it's supposed to appeal to that).
Is that offensive to anyone? Nooooo.
Now, I understand that some people don't like to think about poop. I don't know why, but they don't. It's a pretend-we-don't strategy, I think.
That would be ok, except that we all do the doo.
This also includes fart humor, which is not only a staple of every kids movie out there today, but also makes me and my friends laugh at least once a day.
There's no right time to fart. Not in your office; not in the bathroom at work; not on the track at the gym; not in the car; or even during a meeting. And those are just places I've done it in the past 24 hours.
Pew.
That's what's so messed up about potty humor: It's not like people are being elitist. If anything, it's a populist, everyone-can-relate sort of humor. It's populist. It's by of and for the people. Andre 3000 made a similar point in "Roses."
We all do it. Now let's all enjoy it.
Who's up for tacos?

Fame

2009-03-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of people telling me how it hard it must be to live in the fishbowl of fame.
I assume that real celebrities also say this, but I (for the most part) don't read much about celebrities, at least those who want to talk about things like fame, so I don't actually know. All I get it the celebrity apologists, who struggle to relate to the flash bulb burnout of being ultrahot.
But here's the point: Life is dull. It's repetitive, kinda boring and will grind your will to live down to the nub if you let it.
If you want to live an interesting life with parties all the time and exotic vacations and the company of the funniest, most beautiful people, you have to pay the price. And, as a society, we've decided that that price is the lack of privacy. That's the deal going in; and even if it wasn't, I wouldn't care.
I know that bitching about this is as fruitless as Al Roker's diet, but it's a point that I don't think is mad nearly often enough. I don't feel bad for people who get famous and can't go to Olive Garden anymore. Nobody should.
I feel bad for the uncreative person who sits at home by themselves five nights a week and lacks the mental discipline to read a book, the psychic force to think of something interesting to do and/or the money to do it.
These people need our support. They need something to help them; to stimulate their thoughts; motivate them off their asses; give them a funny line they can say on Friday night to a new person they meet. This is real human suffering, or at least the kind we can actively help.
Constructive pity can help. But first we have to detach them from the brain-sucking apparatuses they flip on and the dick-sucking apparatuses they live with.
Actually, they need to donate those last ones to me. I'd pay top dollar for a DSA.
But back to the point: Let's relate to each other and help out the truly in need: the people who CAN help themselves but haven't realized it yet.
I know we can do it. Stay tuned.

Rap music

2009-02-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'd listen to more rap, but most of it doesn't relate to my life.
Now, don't me wrong, rap has some valuable stuff (mostly stories of rappers beating people up, fronting, getting busted--it's entertaining to me, not to mention the great slang it generates) but overall, the only rapper I've ever listened to and thought, "That's just like me!" is Skee-Lo.
His 1995 hit, "I wish" was and continues to be pretty much the story of my life (except that I don't want to name my kids ghetto names like Little Mookie, Big Al and Lorraine).
Are there other self-deprecating rappers out there? How about any that have mainstream success?
It seems that the genre is structured around empowerment of the already-empowered. While street cred is important to many rappers, they're never above explaining that the reason they overcame was due to inner awesomeness.
OK, wait. I hear your counterargument: What about the moral high horse and faux religiosity that so many hip hop moguls trumpet? If rappers acknowledge a higher power or the source of their inner awesome as manifested "outside" of themselves, doesn't that defeat the point?
I see it like this: it's usual an understand convention of the genre. It's like rock singers singing "Yeah" and "I'm singing..." right before the chorus.
Here's an example along those lines from Kanye in "Good Life":
"Having money's not everything/Not having it is"
Sounds alright, right? But it's just a throwaway line that doesn't make much sense with the rest of the song until he explains further:
"I was splurging on tricks/but when I get my car back activated/I'm back to Vegas/I always had passion for flashin'/ before I had it I closed my eyes and imagined"
What he's really doing is remembering how much fun it was to be poor and wish he was rich. Then he instantly turns back to glorifying his rich-ass lifestyle.
Fresh Prince tried for a little while. His parents just didn't understand. But I don't think it was self-deprecating. Embarrassing? You bet.
But he maintains that he's cool throughout. He's only seen as uncool because of his position in life. An uncool mom (and, toward the end, taking the car).

It just won't die!

2009-02-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

Above: A special kind of jellyfish that, according to UK scientists, "need not die."
That's British English for "it lives forever."
After they mate, the jellies revert to a polyp (read: childhood) state. They get to start over. Completely! Woody Allen must be crazy jealous.
A second childhood, a third, a fourth, a fifth! It's amazing. And, perhaps, a little romantic.
Think of it: As soon as you meet the jelly that you want to be with, you two mate and then can re-live a childhood together, growing up in each other's tentacles.

Stories to bum your mornin' out!

2009-01-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

Start you day of being depressed by reading this story in the Washington Post.
As it turns out, high-fructose corn syrup contains mercury. But, and this is scarier to me, only some products with HFCS use the mercury-containing kind. And there's no way of know which they are.
From the article: "The bad news is that nobody knows whether or not their soda or snack food contains HFCS made from ingredients like caustic soda contaminated with mercury. The good news is that mercury-free HFCS ingredients exist. Food companies just need a good push to only use those ingredients."
The only up shot? You know those annoyingly preachy ads about HFCS? "What, that it's made from corn and perfectly fine in small amounts?" Those will be taken off the air.

Not bummed yet? Try reviewing just how hard Georgia is working to make sure it stays firmly rooted in the dark ages with this story.
In it, Coweta County has created a new ban on sex toys that probably applies to most condoms and lubes.
They did it so that a sex store wouldn't open. Now the dude opening the store plans to sue.
This is so Georgia. "We don't like change! We don't like pleasure of any kind! We make mercury-containing Coke and feed it to your kid in school, maybe he'll die before he learns he can have safe sex by driving to Alabama to buy condoms!"
What a bunch of dicktards. I may not go to heaven, but I hope they go to hell.

Wait! There's more! Doing the five knuckle shuffle in your 20s and 30s causes cancer, according to the British press.
No one those guys are so uptight. Drink some Beefeater and be done with it.

another post about words n' stuff

2009-01-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

This irks me.
If I'm in Florida and I'm on the horn with a friend in Delaware, and I say, "You should come up here," the friend will usually respond, "Don't you mean DOWN there?"
But the thing is, I may not be wrong. And his want to correct me displays a powerful ignorance that I think has permeated society.
You see, Up and Down do not correlate to North and South.
Up and Down are measurements of height in relation to some common starting point. For land, that point is sea level. You could invite someone to come "down to Death Valley" or "up to Mount Kilimanjaro."
But that's only if you want to be technically correct.
Chances are good that you weren't having a technical conversation, but an informal, colloquial exchange. The nice thing about demotic talks is that they eschew the rigidity of formal rules, chief among them wrong ones.

This is part of a disturbing part of American communication that I call it the "Rule of Seven."
I believe that most people know 7 rules of grammar and they will do whatever they can to let you know that they know these rules.
But, just as slang terms and technological developments augment and alter dictionary definitions, so too do new communication methods and practices change grammar. We have a protean language. So please don't get too attached to the rules you learned in third grade.
The problem with prescriptive grammar rules is that they divides communicators into two classes (the intellectual have and have-nots). As long as there has been communication, I'm fairly certain that people have been correcting each other about its usage.
The important point is the rules we have are designed for easing understanding communications by creating a reliability and conformity. It can only be their second function, if you want, to impress the intellectual haves.
When these traits (reliability and conformity) become exaggerated, people develop a a punctilious adherence to formalized procedures and the enforcement of rules becomes an end in itself.
Then the whole procedures stiffens and can't adapt to an ever-changing language of communication. And that blows.
So you see what you're doing when you correct up/down there? It's craziness.

Past tired, toward hallucination

2009-01-26T05:33:00.000-08:00

It's 8:33 a.m. and I've been awake since 3:10 a.m. That's five hours so far, and I'm only 30 minutes into a full work day.
This is pretty wonkish of me, but my interests have expanded since deciding to hit up grad school for some education.
Here's a link to Robert Riech's blog. You've probably seen this guy on political talk shows (the Daily Show, Meet the Press, etc.). He's a public administration prof at UC Berkeley and he's got political credentials, too.
Anyway, the link above is an open letter to Rush, Hannity and Malkin. It's short but brilliant. Check it.